Jars of Clay - "He"

I was moved my Gock's previous blog entry that I had to share the lyrics to a Jars of Clay song, "He". I thought that the lyrics would be healing to both Gock and anyone else who experienced similar abuses.

He - lyrics by Jars of Clay and Dan Haseltine
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Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for the things that I've done

Well, I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over. Will this someday be over?

Chorus:
Fearful, tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down...

Daddy, don't you love me? Then why do you hit me?
And Momma don't you love me? Then why do you hurt me?
Well, I've tried to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away....
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrows of angels in high
For the least of the hopeless, the helpless, the loveless
My Jesus, his children, He holds in His arms
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Very little disclosure here to the masses: I am a social worker, currently employed as a substance abuse counselor. Alot of your Child Protection Services (CPS) workers are social workers who work daily with abuse issues. I could never work in that environment because I'd be wanting to string up the perpetrator! As a professional, at least I know my limitations and what best "fits" by personality.

As mentioned, abuse could come in three versions: physical, emotional, or sexual. For the reader, if you would like to anonymously discuss any abuse issues, please feel free to do so. Your comments are welcomed!

the boy in the corner

Hi! I am the secondary founder of this little blog - the technical expert if you will. I will be posting from time to time to participate in discussions or generate some of my own information. Please note at the bottom of every post is a remark as to whom it was created by. When something was created by "restored vows" then it will be from our primary founder - the man who as spoken to you already about his parent's divorce and growing up and who wrote our introduction post. When something was written below by "Colorado Gock" then it will have been from me. You will certainly notice differences in our writing style and definitely differences in our approach and attitudes. We do, however, have one major thing in common: I - too - am a "backslidden" Christian man with a wife and two kids - all of whom I love with great severity. I am also a bisexual. You will also find that I'm ridiculously verbose in text - for this I apologize - as a life long "cyber punk", typing to me is even more second nature than speaking; Words just flow out of my head and directly into my fingers.

Some people don't believe in Bisexuality, they can't see past their own nose to the idea that a reality could exist beyond their comprehension. Don't be like that.

Anyhow - I just wanted to write a short introduction and then a narrative on my own childhood abuse experience as "B" (our primary author, should I just call him B?) asked me to do. I am in my late 20's, married, employed by a progressive technology organization under government contract, I have two wonderful boys, and I have recently (about 5 months ago) found the truth of Christianity, God, and Jesus in my heart. In spite of this spiritual awakening inside me, I have still committed adultery twice with another man during this time. I have sworn off this activity and it WILL cease from this day forward... But I am weak, and I need help. When I was much younger I participated fully in the founding primary wave of the "cyber punk" movement (also known as early or old school hackerism) and I still believe in most of it's ideals today. Please feel free to ask me any questions either by comment here or by e-mail to the restoredvows@yahoo.com address.

I wrote a narrative about my abusive experience one time a few years ago when I was seeking solace about a painfully recollected memory. I purged that narrative about 5 months ago in a group of erotic and violent stories that I once wrote as well - all of which were pretty wrong. I do however wish I hadn't purged this one narrative in the group so I'm going to try to re-write it again today for you. This is not about sexual abuse per se, but a different type of abuse, and it's who I am.

---

A young boy of 12 curls in a ball in the corner of the small bathroom. His body lay on his side, he is wearing only white underwear, and he is facing the wall. The boy is sobbing but he's trying to remain quiet...He doesn't want to...disturb anyone. There are red-ish sores on his back, some are bleeding or have recently bled and stopped, others are just inflamed. They are not acne nor are they any of the various range of skin diseases. His face, although you can not see it from behind, is also swollen and red from multiple blows (soon to be black/blue).

He sobs and lays nearly still, and tries to be quiet but he can not fully turn out the pain as he has always failed to completely turn out the pain since these events began 6 or 7 years before. Every time a little more severe is his "punishment" for crimes committed against humanity? Sometimes his crime is simply being alive, other times it's for getting into trouble or a fight at school, or not getting a passing grade in a class. The justification varies based on the drunken dictator's given state but the punishment is nearly always the same. A lit blunt or cigarette extinguished on the boy's skin - always on the chest or on the back, a fist or two or four in the stomach or face. In some ways he's accustomed to it now, in others, he never will be.

The echos still scream though his head as he cannot shake them away... "No daddy, please no... please daddy, I'll be good this time. No!!"

This night the mother is not to be found. Like most nights really, she is away from the house "with someone" or "working late". Everyone knows what she's really doing, but nobody will ever dare say it. Actually nobody ever says anything about what happens in the little house down the middle of Alma Way, nobody wants to know what the screaming is about, nobody wants to care about that strange boy. His father, we understand is a good carpenter, he builds great things for a very honest day's hard work. Certainly he would not be capable of being anything short of a loving father..

As the boy continues to lay on cold tile floor in the corner of the small bathroom sobbing, his pain finds itself converting into anger... and anger to rage. Anger and rage both contain determination - but for what? He only knows that he will never do this to another human being, ever. He will kill himself or allow himself to be killed by someone before he allows himself to turn into this monster. Surely though it will happen some day, will he be able to destroy himself before he becomes as bad or worse than his father had been? The boy hopes and prays against the invisible God to which his father and mother both vehemently deny the existence that he will find a way to die before he hurts another child in this way - or that maybe - he can do something different some day instead.

---

This went on in one form or another until I was about 15.5-ish. What happened on that hot night in June is another narrative entirely but the summation is that the tables finally turned, and suddenly, I was free.

I later stumbled into true love, the type of love that you really can't describe... And it saved me, and the Lord saved me even though I didn't know or love him yet. He reached down and picked up my heart and loved me even though I'd completely forsaken him my entire life. I recently found him there, as he always had been, and in discovering this has made me far more resolute and committed to taking all the sin out of my body and my life. This does not change the fact that I AM bisexual, and I don't think that is a sin... But rather the actions of cheating on my wife are the sinful part.

That's enough for today. I have much more to share, but that's enough.

Thank you.

My Parent's Divorce

Divorce is not a pretty event, especially for the children conceived from the troubled marriage. This is my own personal story: Around 1977, was the height of the citizen band (CB) radio. Having a CB in your car or at a "homebase" was popular. It was probably the 1970's version of the current cell phone. You could communicate with another person via their CB "handle" or name. My name was "Boo-Boo" as in Yogi the Bear's sidekick. One night, I was a young 13 year old monitoring the CB, when I heard my mother ask another operator to change to another channel. Of course, I followed her to the new channel and there my mom had arranged to meet the local grocery store produce manager down by the river. When my mother got home later, I confronted my mom with this information in front of my father. I could see the trust leave my father's face and was replaced with hurt. It wasn't too many months past this time that my parent's announced that they would divorce.

It was a cold and dark mid-November night in 1977. I had just came home from junior high basketball practice (I wasn't that good by the way), when they announced that they were getting divorced. Being the only child, my life was beginning to be radically changed. The stability of my family, no matter how dysfunctional, was now shattered. I actually helped load my father’s belongings into his vehicle that night of the announcement, with huge tears streaming down my face. I loved my father and now he was leaving our home. A few weeks later was Thanksgiving and the family dinner was very somber. We made the excuse that my father had to "work" and could not be there for the Thanksgiving feast. What a farce...That Christmas was very hard for me also. I was so depressed that Dad made me go stay with my grandparents for a few days. I was sad and very depressed. I would get down on my knees and pray to God that they would not get divorced. That prayer went unanswered.

The divorce decree was finalized in March 1978. Historically, this was the height of the "disco" era and "free love". After the divorce, my mother went "wild" and would go out bar hopping on Friday or Saturday night leaving me at home. I would stay home and watch the original "Saturday Night Live". I also was very depressed during this time. To this day, I cannot listen to Bette Midler's "The Rose" without getting sad. Get the picture here: I was 14 years old, very thin, braces, severe acne, and the brunt of my classmates ridicule. I could have easily been a teen suicide statistic or been the 70's version of Columbine. To let you know how much I hated my life, I had this T-shirt with the iron-on transfer on it that read: "Have a Nice Day before some Bastard Louses it Up!". Talk about a negative attitude.

My mother also experimented with live-in boyfriends. One of them, Gordon, was an alcoholic. He used to hide vodka bottles around our house for his fix. Gordon was also bi-sexual. One night, my mother thought I should experience my first alcoholic drink at home as compared to being in a car drinking and driving. So Gordon made everyone some "screwdrivers" with orange juice and vodka. With one drink, I was looped and I went to bed. Within an half an hour, Gordon came upstairs to "talk" with me. The talk eventually lead to him performing oral sex on me. This was child sexual abuse. I am a male sexual abuse survivor! Sex abuse can negatively affect a young boy, especially if they are in the middle of puberty. Talk about messing up your own concept of masculinity and questioning if he did this to me because he thought I was gay?

A few weeks later and very embarrassed, I told my mother what had happened. As was the norm for a small town in the Midwest, this was never reported and nothing was ever done. This is just one of several stories about my parent's divorce.

I would like to hear of your own stories of your parent's divorce or sexual abuse. I believe it plays a factor in why I seek out same sex encounters and fulfilling a legitimate need.
Please post your anonymous comments. For most, you would rather disclose something to a total stranger, than to a close friend or to a member of your clergy at your church. Your feedback and comments are welcome!

Introduction

Welcome to our Blog! We are glad that you have taken the time to find us. This blog was birthed out of my own "mid-life" crisis and the desire to look beyond myself to help others. When I say "we", it is co-produced by two Christian married men who have never met in person. I stumbled upon him through one of his old blogs. I am in my early 40's and he is in his late 20's. We reside in two different states within the United States. We are married to a person of the opposite gender, have children, are conservative Christians, and have been involved in various same-sex sexual encounters.

Homosexuality or Bisexuality is a very complicated issue. I as the writer am a professional counselor, working currently in the area of substance abuse rehabilitation. My training included various classes on diversity and tolerance. In no way should this blog be a forum for gay-bashing or condemnation for the acts that we have committed. We realize or are starting to realize that what we are doing is morally wrong. We are not pastors, clergy, or a priest. We are like the people that you shake hands with when you greet each other at your church. To our friends, and maybe even our church family, we are the picture of the "perfect" Christian spouse. Yet, we have this other part of our lives; where we are involved in "covert or hidden" actions with another member of the same sex. Those actions could be something as simple as getting online to chat to a full-blown sexual encounter. We are embarrassed and ashamed to admit this to anyone within our respective churches, or even admit this to ourselves. So there we sit, guilty and feeling condemned by our own actions. We wonder if there is anyone out there in a similar situation. We there is.... I am one of you!

The blog applies to the following individuals:

1.) We are Christians - We are followers and believers in God. We believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and through his shed blood on the cross we can have forgiveness of our sins. Our theological point of view will come from a conservative slant. If you disagree with this view, then this blog is not for you.

2.) We are married - We believe in the sanctity of marriage. We were married to our respective spouses for a reason; hopefully because that we genuinely loved them and wanted to live our lives with them. Some of us have children that we love and care deeply for. Others might be divorced or have never been married. Other readers might be engaged, or maybe living together... Regardless of your marital status, everyone is welcome to view this blog and give their respective responses.

3.) We have committed adultery - If you are married, you took a vow stating something to the effect that we would be faithful to our spouses. We have broken that vow. We have trespassed against one of God's "Ten Commandments". We are guilty, whether we admit it or not. Some of us are in denial. Others have justified their "sins" in their own minds. However, if we "get real" with ourselves, then we have to admit that we are guilty. I'm not pointing fingers at you.... I am one of you!

4.) We desire to recommit our lives to God and to our marriage - I am a "backslidden" Christian... and I know it. While we go to church, there is a distinction between being fully committed to God versus just "playing church". In all fairness to you the reader, I have not changed my current situation. I'm seriously contemplating my next move. I'm not "there yet"... and maybe you are not either. I can relate to your struggles, because I have them too.

If you are reading this, you have some savvy at navigating on the 'net. Most of us have been involved in various Instant Messenger (IM) chat capabilities. As of this writing, I still have a gay.com account where I get on and chat. For the majority of the people on there, they have one goal of being online there: to have a "hookup" for a sexual encounter. There are other IM capabilities trough other providers: Yahoo IM, AOL IM, Skype, Men4SexNow, etc... Others have engaged in "risky behaviors" by having sex in an adult theatre (porn shop), public parks, our places of work.... all in the pursuit of temporary pleasure. This is not unlike the crack addicts I work with who just like the "high". One of the reasons for this blog is for support. I am weak. If I deleted my gay.com account, I could easily open another one under another username. I need your help, and if you agree with our stance, we need your feedback. We need your support and practical ways to overcome this desire; not your self-righteous condemnation.

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped countless individuals in overcoming their alcohol addiction. Step one states, "We admitted that we were powerless over (alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable". I am addicted to the chats. Some of us are addicted to the "hunt"; others to the sex. Alcoholism is progressive leading to tolerance and eventually to addiction. Our actions may have evolved into a full-blown sexual addiction. Only you yourself can determine where you stand currently.

Lastly, for those that are activists within the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered (GLBT) communities; we respect your position. We are not condemning you or your current life situation. Our aim, our goal is to restore families. Our purpose is for a renewal of our commitment to our spouses. Our goal is to be the godly example to our children by being fully committed to our spouses. This does not negate our same-sex attraction. That is a whole other complex issue. We respect your position, please respect ours also.

So what do you think? Your honest and constructive feedback is welcomed!
Please do not use your real name in the responses of this blog to protect everyone's privacy.

May God Bless this blog!