Restored Vows

Moved Out.....

2007-02-27T11:19:00.000-06:00

Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin

A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking before I knew it and as he grew
He said, "I’m gonna be like you, Dad,You know I’m gonna be like you"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Son,
I don’t know when,But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on lets play
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,I got a lot to do"
He said "Thats okay"And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said "I’m gonna be like him, yeahYou know I’m going to be like him"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say,"Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then.

I’ve long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said "Id like to see you if you don’t mind"
He said "Id love to Dad, if I could find the time.You see my new jobs a hassle, and the kids have the flu.But
It's sure nice talking to you, Dad,It's been sure nice talking to you........"
And as I hung up the phone it had occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me,My boy was just like me..............

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then.

The cats in the craddle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I don't know when,
We're gonna have a good time then.

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This past weekend I moved out of my home. My wife helped me move to an apartment about six blocks from my home. At the advisement of her Christian counselor, I had to tell my 10 and 12 year old boys that their Daddy had violated his marriage vows, that I have hurt their mother, and that I was moving out this weekend.

Does any gay father know exactly the pain and the agony that I just put my kids through. As part of the stipulations, they were not allowed to ask me any direct questions. So I dropped a bomb and I left my home. That night I attended a support group for gay fathers. I was going nuts and needed the support of other guys who have been in the same situation as I have.

On Saturday, we shipped the boys off to my sister in laws, and we loaded up our pickup truck with the majority of my possessions. We dropped by a yard sale, and bought a love seat so my apartment wouldn't totally be empty. I have not been alone for over 14 years, so the silence of my new apartment was deafening. My access to the outside world, via the internet, has been temporarily cut off as I don't have a computer at home. I have my cell phone to get for communication, and I have a 1983 color TV, but no cable to record my favorite shows. Needless to say, this is an adjustment.........and it is NOT fun!!!

A new friend encouraged me to read the lyrics of the above song. That is SO me. I have been a jerk for a father. I have been so selfish and self-centered, that I have let the relationship with my children slide. This is not right. I have been wrong. Now is it too late? I don't really know......Dear God, I hope not!!!!! I love my children more than my own life, and there is nothing that I would not do for them. But I have been distracted......over finding out who I am and interfering in someone else's relationship. I have not been the father that I need to be.....and it REALLY sucks right now. My wife is SOOOO pissed at me. She sounds very hateful. It amazes me that the essense of Christianity is supposed to be love, and I see nothing but hate from her towards me. I messed up.....I have sinned....but don't crucify me in the process.

I am back to work......trying to help our nation's veteran's process their guilt over what they did in the war that they fought in. If I was very open with them, I am in no better shape then the clients that sit in the chair a few feet from me. The only difference is that I have a degree and am Licensed by my state to be classified as a "Professional".

I think it was a line from "Ferris Beuhler's Day Off" that states that "Life moves pretty fast". That is so true. It was just a few years ago, I was helping my wife change diapers and feeding my kids their bottle. Now they have a father that they barely know.....I need more time.

"The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon....."

PLEASE pray for me or drop me an email:

restoredvows@yahoo.com

RV

My Journey, pt 2: an end and a beginning

2007-02-16T10:12:00.000-06:00

Last night was a late night as I went to my gay Christian meeting (not necessarily ex-gay). However, I was not in the best of moods. Earlier this week, I wrote an email to DCG about his relationship with JJ. Now granted, they have an "open relationship" and an "understanding" that I don't exactly grasp. I received an email from the TROLL (fellow blogger) stating that three out of four gay relationships have some degree of openness. I didn't know this fact. Anyway, I sent the email to DCG who became very angry at me. I guess both DCG and JJ have the same email address (so I was told) and JJ received and read the email. I emphasized that this was THEIR relationship, but from an outside observer, they were looking for a way to end their relationship. I confronted DCG....and maybe he wasn't ready to hear it. Regardless, I pissed him off royally to where he didn't want me to contact him, call him, or email him again. In other words, I hit a nerve. It is amazing how we can be defensive when we are confronted by the truth. My goal was for them to open up the lines of communication and honesty within their own relationship. I am at least trying to be honest (to some degree....I have disclosed my secret to my wife....that is a start). This has been the theme for the past two months: Honesty.

DCG called me back the next day and apologized for cursing me out. He did tell me that it opened up the lines of communication between JJ and him. However, it did cost me a close friendship. DCG does not want anything to do with me currently. He said I have hurt him too badly. That I am similar to a batterer who says they are sorry but soon returns to the same pattern of abuse. He may be right to some extent. I ruined a friendship with "the Big Goof" in 2005 over similar situation. For now, if I decide to get divorced and live the gay life, then I will have to do that without the assistance and support of DCG or JJ. I made my bed....now I have to live with consequences of my actions. DCG did state that we were friends. I am just sorry to have lost a close friend. I still do care for him, but we both need some honesty in our relationships.....something that we BOTH have not been doing.
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Support group feedback:

Last night had the teaching of "Homo 101". I wrote down a few notes. So here it goes:

The example was for a male child. We are born. From ages 0-3 we primarily bond with our mothers who is our primary caregiver. Boys are divided in two categories: 3% are sensitive and 97% are more "rough and tumble". From ages 4-10, our bonding should be with the same sex gender. Whether that is having a "best friend" or bonding with the same sex parent. The same sex parent needs to give their child the three A's: Affirmation, Attention, and Affection. (This is something that I am seriously lacking in providing for my 10-year old son). Because if there is no bonding with a friend or the same sex parent, the sensitive child will bond to the opposite sex parent, causing some damage to his masculinity. (Bear in mind, I am no expert in this area, and the presenter explained it far better that I can in a blog, but you are getting the Reader's Digest version of the meeting.)

As the child gets older, there can be woundings from either sexual abuse or peer rejection. I am a new mental health professional. I have learned recently that there are three levels of abuse: Emotional, Physical, and Sexual. The Gock, the co-author of this blog, was physically abused by his alcoholic father (See Jan 26, 2006 posting of "the boy in the corner"....it will break your heart what he endured). Finally, sexual abuse is, by far, the most damaging. I was sexually abused at age 15 by my mother's alcoholic, bi boyfriend. It left me confused, embarassed, and ashamed. In other words, the damage done by sexual abuse, by far, outweighs emotional abuse or physical abuse.

I thought it has some validity. I'm not saying that I totally agree with everything and we all know that this scenario won't fit everyone's situation, but I could see where it may apply to some who struggle with gay issues.

This is a difficult subject to try to flesh out. Bear in mind, you, the reader, might think that I am grasping at straws, and just need to come out and be done with it. Maybe so.....but for now, I am at least trying. I attend a support group that is non-judgmental. There are married and single men and women who struggle with these issues. At least I am directly addressing the issue at hand. Again, this is my journey. I am not saying I have arrived or am "cured"....I am not. Honestly, maybe I am just buying time.....God knows the motivation of my heart better than I do.

Borrowing a phrase from my AA friends..."One day at a time". There was a lyric to a Christian group, "First Call" in the early 90's that read: "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future". I believe that to be true whichever pathway I choose to follow.

To Anonymous/Damaged Vows: Recognize that I am going through a VERY difficult time in my life right now. I have just lost a close friend in DCG, and my marriage is currently rocky. If I have personally done harm to you in anyway, I apologize. I emplore you to examine your own relationship in light of TRUTH. I am not saying this to be judgmental....I have screwed up two friendships by my hurtful remarks and clingy behaviors. It doesn't make it right...it just is.

Thanks for letting me share....your comments are more than welcome.

Restored Vows

My Journey, part 1

2007-02-09T09:38:00.000-06:00

Last night, I attended my first meeting with the gay-related Christian ministry. I had an intake with one of the co-pastor's known as B. B has an interesting story.

B was/is gay. In fact he had a partner for seven years. He is now married and in his late 30's. He has 2.5 kids (his wife is currently pregnant). Being from an analytically and skeptical frame of mind, I asked the hard questions. B said that the goal was not to make "gay people straight" but to assist those who struggle with a safe place to vent their frustrations and needs. He was honest enough to tell me that the "success" rate was about 33% -- so in other words the stats are stacked against me already!! This intake was not for individual counseling, but it was to see the appropiateness of attending a support group that was held last night. B asked me what I wanted to get out of the group, and I told him that I really didn't know. I wanted to know if someone could actually change their orientation (I don't think you can) or are they just using behavior modification (B-Mod for you psych type folks!) to change their outward behaviors. I told him that if I came across a similar guy, that was married as I am, and is still struggling/cheating on the side, with no apparent "victory" that I might as well get the process rolling on moving out and seeing a lawyer. The session ended with a quick prayer, and a trip across the street to the church.

I had to check in via a laptop computer. There was a mixture of both young men and women hanging out in the foyer section. I eventually went into the what looked like the choir rehersal area, waiting for the service to start. Some of the people started to file in. I have recognized some of them from their pictures on the popular website that I chat on. I was just hoping and praying that I didn't run into anyone that I have chatted with....or God-forbid...that I have slept with. That would be mega uncomfortable.

I sat behind this 20-something blond guy who sat next to some girl about his age. This guy was cute.....can you say that in a church setting that is supposed to be focusing on God and restoration?? Anyway...I digress....

The meeting started off with singing and a praise/worship time. Then B lead a small devotional time about the names of God. "Jehovah Jireh" -- our provider. He also spoke about the story of Abraham and Isaac and the sacrifice on the altar. He discussed how Abraham was about to sacrifice his own son on the altar. He talked about how Abraham 1) got up, 2) cut the wood that would potentially burn/cremate his only son, 3) and traveled to an area that God had told him to go to. (Gen 22). The point being it takes obedience to follow God, even when the outcome is not exactly clear. Abraham had no idea that God would provide the lamb when he cut the wood and prepared Isaac to be sacrificed. Ok....so I learned a good Bible lesson. How does that affect my struggle with being gay?

After the Bible lesson, we broke up into seperate groups. Men vs Women. Then the men were further divided into 26 and under (Bye-Bye cute blond guy) and over 26. They talked about a recent softball tourney they had and how some felt for the first time feeling adequate because they were in a group that was not going to be ridiculed for not being a "jock" or throwing the ball like a "girl". Next week they were going to have a basketball game. Ok....that part will be kind of cool.

Then we broke down into smaller group to share and have some accountability for our week. There was a couple of gay married guys that was there that shared. One guy is doing "better" without hooking up. The other guy was hanging on by a thin thread, as he has had weekly hookups and I saw the pain in his eyes. His wife has no clue about his true self....because he keeps this part of his life a secret. He is going here because he told her that he "struggles".....

Of course, the other group a few feet away was also sharing. There was this guy that was there, probably early to mid 30's (I could never be one of those people at the state fair that guesses your age....I'd be giving away all of the stuffed Sponge Bob dolls with a wrong guess!!!) Anyway....it sounded like he is in a similar situation as myself. It sounded like his wife wants some "answers" and he talked about the possibility of moving out of his house soon. Trust me, I will be talking to him next week.

The meeting got over about 10:15pm. I headed home and stopped by for some quick fast food on the way home. My wife and family were already in bed. Of course, I had the opportunity to get online and I did to my favorite website to chat with the other gay/bi guys. I got IM'd by a bi-married guy who lives in another suburb. He liked my smile by my picture. He is 42, and has a grown son. He had to cut the chat short because his wife was up and stirring....my MO for the past few years. I logged off around 12:30pm or so and headed to bed in my son's room on the twin bed.

More next week.....stay tuned.
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Unrelated entertainment news: Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday. What a tragic end of an outwardly beautiful woman. I think she had alot of emotional damaged over the loss of her son Daniel last year.

It kind of put life into perspective: We only have one shot at life. I am not going to live life in complacency anymore. I am tired of the lies and the self loathing. If I come out gay, I will definitely be seeking out help in this process.

I text messaged DCG yesterday relaying the news about Anna Nicole. He replied with a short "I know". I know deep down that I have hurt him with my comments. The Proverbs state that the tongue has the ability to give life or death. How true that statement is.....we can lift someone up by our words or cut them down just by our words. We all remember the childhood saying that "sticks and stones can break our bones, but words will never hurt us"......that is a lie. We have been hurt by others words. Whether that is someone saying a slur as the controversy over the "F" word from the "Grey's Anatomy" fiasco......words can hurt. I have hurt not only my wife over the past few months but also the friend that I had in DCG.

"Life and Death is in the power of the tongue"......how true that is!!!!

RV

To Damaged Vows

2007-02-06T08:17:00.000-06:00

This is a posting to Damaged Vows --

You claim to want honesty, but in reality you are a liar just as I am. The person that co-created this blog is very computer literate and knowledgeable. I had him trace the where the comments and traffic to this blog, and the final assessment is that you are not in Nebraska. In fact, you are in the same state that I am located in. I think I am smelling a rat....

Using elements of deduction and common logic, there are two possibilities to your identity: 1) You are in fact DCG as mentioned in the "What Hurts the Most" posting of last month. He vehemently denies that these comments are coming from him. He says he doesn't write like that. However, DCG is not a stupid individual by far...more on him later. 2) The comments are from someone that knows me or I have been intimate with (sexual hookup). Whoever it is has been giving me the Mohammed Ali "rope a dope", backing me into the corner as I get pounded blow by blow. While there is anonymity in blogging, people should be at least honest.

DCG and I had a HUGE blow out yesterday. I was upset with him as I am assuming (and we all know what happens when you assume!!) that he has been the anonymous comments poster. I sent him a text message venting my frustration and said some things that spewed with hateful venom. I threatened him to disclose things to JJ, and made a personal character attack about his weight. I have been backed into a corner, and just as a rabid bull dog, I lashed out in exteme anger. There is no justification or "pound of flesh" for what I did. I was so PISSED at what Damaged Vows had said, that I lashed out at DCG. This doesn't make it right...it just is.

TO Diet Coke Guy (he has now returned to his addiction to 2 44oz drinks from Sonic....feeding his aspartane addiction going against medical advice (AMA)):

Here are some unsolicited thoughts for you:

You don't like to be confronted. As your friend, I have confronted you as well as you have confronted me....whether this is through the many phone calls or sharing my life via this blog. But you know in your heart that you have not been true to JJ for several months. He deserves better as does my wife. Damaged Vows.....this applies to you and your lieing to your husband or whoever. Quite frankly, I don't really care what you think.

I have to confess that I have been obsessed over DCG. It is not healthy and I know it. We have a lot of commonalities, and a close friendship that I cannot continue with him or he with me because of both of our current relationships. It is not fair to both of our partners and we both know it. From my perspective, DCG has settled for complacentcy in his current relationship with JJ. Is that really a fulfilling relationship or just a "marriage of convenience"? DCG is right: I have a hard time differentiating between a friendship and mutual genuine feelings. I have made many mistakes in my friendship with DCG, and I don't really know now that they are recoverable or not. I have to get over him and as was previous mentioned by Damaged Vows to move on....I cannot depend on him for anything except a distant friendship in an emergency. I got too close....I got too attached....I got too hurt.

Tonight, I am going to see a professional counselor through my church at $60 a session. I will also have an appointment with an ex-gay ministry in the area on Thursday. They have a support group that will meet afterwards that I plan on attending. I have been to enough Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous (as a guess mind you!!!!) that I know that some people are able to able to overcome their addiction and others "fall off the wagon" and come crawling back to the meetings after a "relapse". I was a substance abuse counselor for one year. I know the interaction between a person's motivation to change affects their continued sobriety or not. I am in the early stages, but if I feel that I am playing games and not serious about wanting to change, then I will have to be honest with myself and my family.

Honesty.....that is what I am wanting from Damaged Vows, DCG, and ultimately myself.

DCG.....I know without a doubt that you will be monitoring this blog and you know it. I will be posting the outcomes of my journey over the next few weeks as time allows. You know how to get a hold of me but you won't. You are forcing me to make the decision to leave my family and to come out on my own, with out you being a distraction. You are taking yourself out of my decision for my own good. I cannot place you in the equation because there is no "us"....there never was. There was only a close friendship for a few months that met both of our emotional needs. There is a lyric by one of my favorite Christian metal groups Stryper: "Am I alive or am I living?" Yes, I am alive....but am I fulfilled? I want guarantees in life and there are none. Life is too short to be living in the mundane. This applies to you, Damaged Vows, and to myself. I have trashed and labeled JJ as a loser. That is not a fair assessment of the man. He supposedly loves you greatly. He deserves the same from you in return. If you have the same feelings for him, great. If not, take the advice of the Damaged Vows....and move on. But know this.....I found you and I could find someone else if I get divorced. Don't come crawling to me when he breaks your heart again. We both have to make some hard decisions down the road....and we need to do it seperately....without the distraction of one another's inputs. You have been my best friend for the past few months....and it pains me to let you go...but I have to....for both of our sake (and sanity!!!!) Thanks for being there. I just hope if I leave my wife for unchartered waters, that I find someone with the same qualities as yourself.

Finally, to Damaged Vows. Quit lieing to me or even yourself. Be bold enough to a least open the dialogue with your husband....if that is what you have. Stop the lieing and be honest with yourself. It is only in brutal honesty that the healing and the change can begin. Life is a journey.....and I have only just begun the second phase of my life.

My best to Damaged Vows, DCG, and even to JJ. God knows we all need a strong dose of honesty in our relationships!!!!

Restored Vows

"what hurts the most, pt 2"

2007-02-02T14:46:00.000-06:00

It seems ironic that the previous posting that I used this song to clarify my thoughts and feelings for DCG, and did not have a second thought about my wife. That is a sad testament on my current marriage.

My wife, that I will call "Nin".....a nickname her family gave her back in her youth. We have been married currently for 14.5 years. I met Nin in 1991 when I saw her at a local A/G church. She was a very pretty young woman. Some people compared her to a young Amy Grant....with long brunette hair. She still looks good to this day when she fixes herself up.

When Nin and I met, she had just been through a horrific thing that happened in her life: she was raped. Subsequently, she became pregnant. One of her convictions is that abortion was not an option, so she carried the baby to full term and she gave it up to adoption via a large Christian ministry focusing on pregnant girls or women who have substance abuse problems. It had only been less than a year that she went through this when we met at church.

My dating experiences were very limited. Shyness, acne, and low self esteem kept me from dating. Through the coaxing of a friend, I asked her out. We dated for close to six months. Most of our dates were centered around the church and single's group activities. We did some other things like concerts and a waterpark, but the church was the center of our activities.

We got married in 1992. I was 28 and she was 24. While we did consummate our marriage on the wedding night, it did take some prompting. Our first son was born in 1994. I was the proudest father. I had a son. He was a very happy little boy...he didn't cry or fuss much. To this day he still has a good personality. Our second son was born in 1996. When he was 15 months old, he had to have heart surgery to repair his aorta. I was very stressed and worried that my son was going to die. I wanted both of my children. I cut the ambilical cord on both of them and was in the delivery room when both of them were born. My oldest son didn't start speaking until 3 1/4 years old due to chronic ear infections. As a father, the only words I wanted to hear was that "Daddy, I love you"....that didn't happen until he got drainage tubes put in his ears. He is now a very talkative 12 year old.

Nin is a very good mother. However, she is a little high strung and gets stressed out too easily. Our marriage started going down hill when I was in the military. In 1997, I was able to change jobs in the military and became a mental health paraprofessional. Nin said that was when our marriage changed....I tend to disagree.

Historically, I am a very laid back and mellow person. I get that from my father who lives in Iowa. I don't get upset very often or mad. It takes alot to provoke me. However, I can be very stubborn at times.

I told Nin on New Years that I thought our marriage was a huge mistake. I take that back now: it produced two very special children that I will have to leave if I leave my wife for the unknown waters of the gay world. I write this with a lump in my throat....I love my kids...it is just my wife I am not too thrilled about right now.

"What hurts the most was being so close...." Nin and I were close. We have our moments...even now after my revelation.

She will probably be the only woman that I will ever love. She is a remarkable woman with the resilience that few could fathom. Not many woman would have done what she did and came out stronger for it. This is probably why it is so hard to put her through the pain of a divorce.

Restored Vows or just Moving On.....

"Vanity, vanity, ...all is vanity".....The Proverbs

God help me!!!!!!!!

RV

"What Hurts the Most"

2007-01-24T17:33:00.000-06:00

Rascal Flatts What Hurts The Most Lyrics

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret, but I know
If I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

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Restored Vows is back.........of sorts.

For the past four months I have not been able to update this blog due to my previous work did not have internet access and I didn't have the time to update the blog at home due to my family around.

A lot has happen in the four months. None of which is easy to share. Probably the most revealing is that I Outed myself to my wife on New Year's eve. I am still at home at this time but you can cut the tension with a knife. I think the tension was building as I met someone that I had an infatuation with. Let me explain the situation....

The guy, who I will call "Diet Coke Guy" (DCG) and myself had a very close friendship until I screwed it up. You see, DCG has a partner of 3.5 years known as "Jobless Joe" or JJ. DCG and JJ both have a history of cheating on each other. Anyway....over the period of a few months DCG and I became very close friends....at least in my mind. He even told me that he "loved me as a friend" which I misinterpretted in my having some form of affection towards me.

"What hurts the most was being so close,
And havin' so much to say And watchin' you walk away"

DCG and I were very close. We had a lot of things in common: religious background, marriage/divorce, children, similar personalities, etc. I could see myself with this man....but there is one large problem: JJ. It's amazes me that JJ scolded me in a chat stating that "DCG + JJ = Relationship" when he knowingly had cheated on DCG several times and even lied about it. What a hypocritical statement!!!!

As must as I still care for DCG, there are a few Life Lessons I have learned:

Life Lesson #1 - For the married or gay male: Do NOT get involved with someone that has a partner. They will break your heart every time.

Life Lesson #2 - For the gay man with a partner: Do NOT get your emotional needs met by someone other than your partner. It is not fair to the partner or the other third party.

In my fantasy world, DCG would leave JJ and I would get divorced and we would live together. Dealing with our ex-wives and our children. However, this is only a pipe dream. Honestly....I think that both DCG and myself are too scared to make a move. I don't know what the future is going to hold....but I am sorry to have lost such a close friend.

Anyway......this song will also be used for my next posting dealing with my wife.

"What hurts the most...Is being so close........"

~Restored Vows

"My Immortal"

2006-08-31T09:08:00.000-05:00

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
_____________________________________________________________________________________

I really like this song. It talks about the pain of a breakup of a relationship. While the lead singer, Amy Lee, seems to be more Gothic than my usual taste in music, I still like this like this song and its accompanying video. They have a new CD being released soon. It contains the single, "Call me when your sober".

Yesterday was my last day as a substance abuse counselor. It was a bitter sweet ending to a year of intervening in people's lives. I was working at a VA hospital and I REALLY enjoyed working there. I could identify with the veterans, but not their substance abuse.

Today, I have three potential job opportunities. 1) an upstart hospice with low census count and uncertain job reliability, 2) a nursing home social worker (better pay, I can work with the elderly. Not my preference, but we ALL are getting older) and 3) a job at the Salvation Army. (Interview next Monday). I would appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers of this decision. Keep in mind this is a temporary position. My heart and soul is back at the local VA hospital. I loved working there and I really was able to connect with the veterans that I served.

Gock, my co-blogger, is making great steps in overcoming his addiction to anonymous sex. I'm very proud of you my man. Even though websites such as gay.com has been my downfall for a sexual hookup, I have been able to help and support a couple of guys on there. One 30-something guy is trying to reconnect with his childhood faith. The other is having a difficult time over the loss of his son (he was married) to leukemia ten years ago. He stated that he never successfully mourned over the loss of his son. That must have been painful.

"These wounds won't seem to heal. The pain is just too real....." I really believe that there are men out there that are really hurting. To deal with the hurt, they have somehow sexualized their pain. This doesn't apply to all..........but some.

M. Flip - email me at my college account. My work account went away as of yesterday. I hope your doing well.

Gock - Thanks for being strong. Your a good man and a good father. YOu've come a long way baby!

The future of this blog is unknown.....but I continue to appreciate your comments and support..........

"What's Left of Me"

2006-08-23T14:37:00.000-05:00

What's Left of Me Lyrics
Music Artist: Nick Lachey | Album: What's Left of Me

Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Yeah...

[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me

I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still

[Chorus]

It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head

Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again

[Chorus]

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

This song was written by Nick Lachey after the public breakup of his marriage from Jessica Simpson. The video, on You Tube, is so poignant as it shows how the couple had no privacy from the cameras. This was a reference to their reality TV show on MTV. That may have been their downfall. Both parties are very appealing to the eyes. While there is some age difference, I think it would be cool to see Nick hookup with Jennifer Aniston. That would show old Mr. Pitt a thing or two.

Next subject...

My current job is in the last two weeks. I have had some job interviews and some possibilities that I will update the readers on. I recently discovered that a fellow blogger lives in the same metropolitan area that I live in, so we might meet for lunch one day.

As far as the future of this blog, it is uncertain. I had hoped for more feedback and interaction, but that has not come to fruition as of yet. I would appreciate everyone's continued thoughts and prayers for a job. I have some leads, but have not signed on officially anywhere yet.

If you would like to leave a comment....please do so.

Friends.......

2006-07-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

FRIENDS - by Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends

With the faith and love that God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

CHORUS 2X
____________________________________________________________________
I am writing this posting to a "friend" that is soon moving away. He was the subject of my April "Honesty and humility" posting. He is a tall individual, so I'll refer to him as the "Big Goof"... a term of endearment...not a derogatory slam.

I am trying to repair the damage to this friendship that I caused last December. I obsessed over this man because I was jealous that he was involved in another relationship. The "Big Goof" and I both saw how extreme that living in the "flesh/sinful nature" can bring about negative consequences. With him, I saw a side of my personality that I don't like to face. I can be extremely needy. I honestly think that I got into the helping professions to work on my own issues. Thoughts of abandonment probably originate in my own parents' divorce with my Dad moving out at age 13.

As promised to the "Big Goof", I am retracting my assessment of him as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However........I do think that he has some narcissistic traits. (I'm not totally throwing in the towel on this one, B.G.!) I think I was envious. Envious of his career, his marriage, his bi-married boyfriend......everything. It is hard....darn hard....to start over in a new career in the early 40's as I am doing currently.

With this public, anonymous forum, I was able to publicly apologize for my actions. I really don't know how much longer that this blog will go on as my current job ends on Sept 6th. Maybe Gock--the co-author, who has been relatively silent for the most part, will take over. The future is unknown.......

"Big Goof".......even though I frustrated you to new levels, I appreciate the fact that you have not "forsaken" me. You have been civil and have taken the high road overall. My sincerest and heartfelt hope is that we can get beyond my extreme actions of the past year and be genuine "friends". Even though I basically threatened to "out" this man unless he stepped up to the plate as a friend, I realize that you cannot manipulate a friendship. If it is meant to be......it will be.

I started this blog as a form of wanting answers from other Christian men who struggle with same sex attractions. It was created after I wrote "Big Goof" a scathing email. It was filled with hate and hurt; not the qualities that a follower of Jesus should exhibit. I am not following my faith as prescribed by the conservative church doctrine that I follow. Neither is B.G.. We all have people that come into our lives for a reason. There was a reason that "Big Goof's" and my paths crossed in the big, cosmic scheme of things. I don't believe that we were meant to perpetuate anger and strife to one another. We are mandated to "love one another" as Jesus commanded.

"Though it's hard to let you go, In the Father's hands we know, that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends."

Take care B.G.. May God continue to look after you. I hope to "restore" our friendship to where it once was.

Your comments about friends is appreciated........

Everybody Hurts.......

2006-07-20T14:34:00.000-05:00

Everybody Hurts
Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts.

Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand.

If you feel like you're alone,
no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
___________________________________________________________________
I historically never listened to R.E.M. but I do like this song and its lyrics.

This week, a fellow blogger made a brave decision and finally "outed" himself to his children. I say he is brave as I am certain that he is "hurting" right now as I right this entry. Please visit his blog at: http://trollatsea.blogspot.com/

He has been married for 26 years and was moving out of his home to another temporary location locally. I emailed him and he was very appreciative of the online support from fellow bloggers as well as his readers. "Everyone hurts, You are not alone" is my message to The Troll.
"Take comfort in your friends" is my message to him.

Finally, some of the people who are reading this blog are leaving comments. However, they have been mixed. One lady reader suggested that lines of communication be improved between my wife and I (I do agree), and the other reader, a male, is suggesting that I stop living a lie and basically get divorced so I can live a gay life. Two very opposite ends of the spectrum (no gay rainbow jokes mind you!). This is a very complex and complicated subject.

Another fellow blogger is eliciting comments from gay husbands:
http://sh-out.blogspot.com/

I would recommend leaving a comment to her most recent posting. She is trying to figure this out as much as most of you who read my blog.

Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment if so inclined......

Boston's "Long Time"

2006-06-29T08:47:00.000-05:00

Foreplay/long Time by Tom Scholz

It's been such a long time
I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me,
it keeps on rollin'
Sail on, on a distant highway
I've got to keep on chasin' a dream
I've gotta be on my way
Wish there was something I could say.

Well I'm takin' my time,
I'm just movin' on
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find,
I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.

It's been such a long time.
It's been such a long time.
Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can't forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me
You're comin' back to find me.

Well I'm takin' my time,
I'm just movin' on
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find,
I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.

It's been such a long time.
It's been such a long time.
Yeah. it's been such a long time, I think I should be goin',
yeah, And time doesn't wait for me,
it keeps on rollin'
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it
I'm always just behind it.
Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
Takin' my time, just movin' along
Takin' my time, takin' my time...
____________________________________________________________________
I have never been a head banger. I didn't like heavy metal, but did like rock and hard rock. Some of my favorite groups were Styx,Pat Benatar, Joan Jett, REO, ELO, and various other secular groups. Listening to a local Classic Rock station, I've been reintroduced to the songs of Boston. I liked them so well, that I bought their greatest hits. I was surprised to find a song called "Higher Power" on the CD. The band members endorse both Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. I thought this was really cool for a mainstream rock band to take a stand against drugs and alcohol.

Last weekend, I had a short chat with the person identified in my April "Honesty and humility" posting. I was relieved that he didn't hate me. I pride myself in being a nice guy, and when I stooped to new low levels last winter, it really bothered me.

"I've got to keep on chasin that dream....". My current job as a substance abuse counselor is coming to a close. I may have the opportunity to working as a counselor in another state focusing on trauma and PTSD issues. I hate the thought of moving. I moved frequently my 20+ years in the military, and I hate the whole process. However, this may be a necessity in order to have a viable job.

I recently had the opportunity of working as a professional substance abuse counselor at my church. However, because I am not walking on the "straight and narrow" right now, I am declining the position. I hate being hippocritical (sp?) . I could do the job and do it well, but I feel that there is a different level of accountability in working in a church environment. The application had a lot of questions about my Christian walk, devotions, prayer life, etc. For now I'm leaving it alone........

It's getting crunch time for getting a follow-on job. I just opened our electricity bill yesterday and about keeled over in shock. $325........ouch.

Next Tuesday is the 4th of July. I am very patriotic usually. We need to remember to pray for the safety of our troops around the world. I saw yesterday that President Bush went jogging with a Army man who is a double amputee. That man has guts and determination.....qualities that are rare today.

"You got to keep on chasing that dream..." My dream has been to be a counselor and to change people's lives. I also chose this field as a means of changing my own life. The road is not easy and there are bumps and rocks in the road.....but I'm still plugging along.

Thanks for reading my posting.....

I still believe.....

2006-06-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

"I Still Believe"- The Call:

I been in a cave for forty days
Only a spark to light my way
I wanna give out
I wanna give in
This is our crime
This is our sin

But I still believe
I still believe
Through the pain
And the grief
Through the lies
Through the storms
Through the cries
And through the wars
Oh, I still believe

Flat on my back
Out a sea
Hopin' these waves
Don't cover me
I'm turned and tossed
Upon the waves
When the darkness comes
I feel the grave

But I still believe
I still believe
Through the cold
And the heat
Through the pain
And through the tears
Through the crowds
And through the cheers

Oh, I still believe

I'll march this road
I'll climb this hill
Down on my knees if I have to
I'll take my place
Up on this stage
I'll wait 'til the end of time
For you

Like everybody else
I'm out on my own
Walkin' the streets
Look at the faces
That I meet
I feel like i like I want to go home
What do I feel
What do I know

But I still believe
I still believe
Through the shame
And through the grief
Through the heartache
Through the tears
Through the waiting
Through the years
For people like us
In places like this
We need all the hope
That we can get

Oh, I still believe
____________________________________________________________________
This song was originally performed by The Call and covered by Christian singer Russ Taff on his self-titled CD around 1988. At that time in my life, I was living in the frozen northern state of Alaska. Alaska is a very vast and beautiful state. It is known as the "Land of Extremes". Currently, Alaska is experiencing 22+ hours of sunlight. It is a land of extreme sunlight and extreme darkness. There are places within the state that have both 67 days where the sun does not rise (winter solstice) and the same 67 days (summer solstice) where the sun does not set.

It contains the highest mountain in north America -- Mount McKinley located in Denali National Park. Alaska has some of the most majestic and beautiful scenery. I highly encourage you to visit this state at some time in your life.

I lived there for four year in the late 1980's. Some people suffer from "Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)" due to the lack of sunlight and extreme cold temperatures. The coldest I went through was 67 degrees below zero. AKA FRIGID! Your flesh would freeze in 15 seconds if exposed to the elements.

This song helped me through those dark days of depression. I would crank this song and literally yell the lyrics "in places like this, we need all the hope that we can get" My Christian faith at times has felt like the frozen tundra that I had lived in.

One time I took a drive and parked near a road side where the mountains were very awe inspiring. It was there that God impressed on me that I was loved inspite of my struggles with same-sex attractions. I was hoping for deliverance but that never came.

"I still believe... Through the heart ache and all the tears".......This song still moves me. I get reminded of how awesome creation is.

If you want to see nature's beauty at its finest, take a trip to Alaska. Don't just take a cruise to the Southeast Inside Passage but visit Fairbanks, Anchorage, or at least Denali N.P. It will be a vacation you won't forget.....and it may restore your faith also.

That's what love is for...

2006-06-06T12:39:00.000-05:00

THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS FOR (Amy Grant)

Sometimes, we make it harder than it is
We'll take a perfect night
And fill it up with words we don't mean
Dark sides best unseen
And we wonder why we're feeling this way
Sometimes, I wonder if we really feel the same
Why we can be unkind
Questioning the strongest of hearts
That's when we must start
Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far

(Chorus 1:)
That's what love is for
To help us through it
That's what love is for
Nothing else can do it
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for

Sometimes, I see you, and you don't know I am there
And I'm washed away
By emotions I hold deep down inside
Getting stronger with time
It's living through the fire
And holding on we find

(Repeat chorus 1)
Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far

(Chorus 2:)
That's what love is for
To help us through it
That's what love is for
Nothing else can do it
Round off the edges
Talk us down from the ledges
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for

That's what love is for
That's what love is for
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for
That's what love is for
(That's what love is for)
That's what love is for
(Ooh, nothing else can do it)
____________________________________________________________________
Today is my 14th Wedding Anniversary. This song by Amy Grant was played at our wedding. Ii was so nervous about getting married that my palms were sweating. Being a product of divorce, I wanted to make sure that our marriage would last. Of course, all of this was before the explosion of the internet and websites about gay or bi issues that opened up a pandora's box.

Fourteen years ago I had every intention of fulfilling my wedding vows. I was in love with a pretty woman, was involved heavily in church, had my daily devotions. The usual makings of a conservative, evangelical Christian husband. But then those "little foxes" started creeping in. You know those foxes....buying porn magazines, watching scrabbled porn late at night. Then over time, frequenting adult bookstores on occasion, browsing the videos and the magazines. Sexual addiction is a reality.

Then those "little foxes" started circling their prey. Actually registering on websites such as gay.com. Getting online to chat with unknown strangers. Which, of course, progressed to the first "hook-up". In the back of your mind, you know what you are doing is morally wrong though. Being faithful versus committing adultery. The flesh versus the spirit. Questions abound: Am I straight, bi or gay? I must be insane---I am married. I need to ensure that I play safe. I don't want to bring any STD critters home to give to my beloved. How would I explain that?

"Melt our defenses, bring us back to our senses, give us strength to try once more".

Fourteen years is a long time. My wife and I watched the series finalle of "Everwood" last night. The character Dr Andy Brown made this statement: "It doesn't matter who is in the picture that you are standing next to, the key point is are you smiling?" My marriage might not be the loving picture that it once was. I love thinking about the good times when my kids are smiling and they know that mom and dad love them. I don't like to think of the alternative. Divorce, betrayal, bitterness, single-parent, stigma of divorce.

"That's what love is for...."

Your comments are welcomed.

Bridge over troubled waters.....

2006-05-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

Bridge Over Troubled Waters
written by Simon & Garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all.
I'm on your side,

Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
when you're on the street
When evening falls so hard,
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part,
Oh when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl (children), sail on by
Your time has come to shine,
all their dreams are on their way
See how they shine,
Oh when you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled waters,
I will ease your mind.I'll ease your mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember this song when I was in the First Grade. My very young teacher used to play this song on the record player (now I'm dating myself mentioning that antique). This song has been redone by LeAnn Rimes and most recently by Michael W. Smith for the Christian music world.

In a few weeks will be my 14th wedding Anniversary. I wish I could say that things are wedding bliss, but that would be a lie. When I said those vows in from of friends, family, and ultimately God, I had intended to keep my promise to be true and faithful. I broke that promise.....

My wife and I share a cell phone currently. She was looking through the dialed numbers and came across a number that she did not recognize. I am a temporary employee at work, so I am not allowed to have a phone that has long distance capabilities. I could have used another phone in another person's office, but I chose to use my personal cell phone to call some clients instead. Needless to say that started another argument where she was basically accusing me of having an affair on her with another woman. She is so far from the truth. Which would hurt worse: an affair with another woman or with another man? I also have almost been caught chatting on gay.com late at night and she is suspicious as she knows that I am not just playing solitaire on the computer late at night.

"Like a bridge over troubled waters..." My marriage is in trouble and I don't know how to correct it. I am afraid.....My parents were divorced, so I witnessed first hand the pain and hurt that divorce brings on both the marriage partners and the children. I am lacking greatly in the romance department. I would like some practical advice how to salvage my marriage.

Your input is appreciated.

U2's Bono and DATA

2006-05-08T11:05:00.000-05:00

Bono, front man for one of my favorite rock groups, was in town last week discussing issues that are addressed in his organization: DATA - Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa. Regardless of your political affiliation, I feel that Bono is a great humanitarian and is putting action to his faith. He has been criticized in the past from conservative Christians due to his "colorful" language that slips out on occasion. The last person I knew to be perfect lived over 2000 years ago and died on a cross...

"Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own" - Lyrics by Bono

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me nowI need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...
Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

If you haven't figured it out, I love music. And not just the music but the lyrics. This song was written by Bono after the death of his father - Bob Hewson. Mr Hewson worked in a post office during the day and sang opera at night. This is why he states, "You're the reason I sing...You're the reason why the opera is in me". This is so profound.

My own father came for a week visit a couple of weeks ago. He is 63 years old and lives in the Midwest. My parent's were divorced and I didn't live with him and my step-mother after the divorce, but at times I wished that I had. I left home at age 18, and joined the military. I married a southern girl, and now live in the south -- far from the rolling plains of the midwest. It seems like Bono and his dad didn't really talk...I mean really talk.....those intimate conversations that fathers and sons need but rarely happen due to male pride or avoiding any real affection for fear of being "unmanly". During our conversations over coffee, I had always thought that he had a close relationship with my grandfather -- his father. I was shocked to hear him say no...he was always closer to my grandmother. Now this is the same man that asked his Dad for professional advice while remodeling our home when growing up (grandpa was a plumber) , and they went on several fishing trips together. However, I found out that these times were more superficial....not intimate.

On his last day before they left my home in their rental car heading to the airport, I gave him a hug. I needed him to know that I did care, even though we are nearly 1000 miles apart. I needed to know that he was proud of me. I did not pursue his career choice. I am a male in a female dominated career field of social work. (No Gaylord Fokker jokes please...rent "Meet the Parents" if you don't know what I am talking about). I had to know if he was proud of me....his approval of me was important. He is my father....I am his son. Would I ever disclose to him about my same-sex struggles and that I was one of those "queers" that he warned me about during "the talk" about sex? I don't know if that will ever be discussed.....I am just satisfied that he is proud of me in my life currently. "You don't have to make it on your own..." You, the reader, may not have the opportunity to make amends to an aging parent. If this is on your "to do" list, I suggest picking up the phone and call them....before it is too late and you have a lifetime of regret. Your feedback about your own father-son relationship is appreciated.

Carry on my wayward Son....

2006-05-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

"Carry on my Wayward Son" by Kerry Livgren

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well it surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

No!Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have always loved this song. It is written by Kerry Livgren who was one of the main lyricist of the rock group "Kansas" from the late 70's and early 80's. This song, as well as the popular "Dust in the Wind" were written by Mr. Livgren. He was on a spiritual search that took him from his origins in Christianity to Eastern Religions and Philosophies, to return to embrace Christianity once again. After leaving Kansas, he was part of a Christian rock band called "AD" in the mid -80's.

"Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more". I find these lyrics to be profound when I reflect on my life currently. I tend to get "weary" in trying to restore a shakey marriage. Weary in trying to find a close male friend that accepts me for what I am. Weary in hiding my sin of adultery with other men in much the same way that Adam did in the Garden of Eden. Weary of having a hardened heart and not responding to the call of the Holy Spirit to repent of my own selfish sins. Weary of letting the flesh rule.....

I tend to prefer the intimacy with other men more that the sex. I'm not sure if this is due to being raised an only child with its own set of built in loneliness, having been sexually abused as a teen, or my own dysfunctional Dependent Personality Disorder (self diagnosed). So I struggle....the proverbial Angel and Devil on my shoulders. The struggle between the Flesh and the Spirit. Years ago, when I was "on fire" for God, I had more answers. I don't have those answers today. I tend to have more questions.

"Carry on my wayward Son, There will be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more". While this might not fit into the Psalms, it is a form of a plea....a prayer if you will. "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?" was Jesus' plea in the Garden of Gethsamane.

I don't have all the answers today for my marriage, for my struggling faith, for my struggles with same-sex attractions. "My charade is the event of the season".....this is me....open and honest. Your opinions are always welcomed.

Just for today....

2006-04-24T12:20:00.000-05:00

I really don't know if my posting are making any sense or just "psycho-babble" as another blogger put it. Regardless, this is me....

As I write this, I am supposed be hooking up with another bi guy from out of state. We have been chatting on gay.com (yes, I still have an account there....a paid one no less...but I didn't pay for it....that's a whole other story!) I did not hook-up today because 1) I really wasn't attracted to this man, 2) I probably prefer intimacy to the sex. I know deep down that I am supposed to get this intimacy from my wife, but our love life (not just sex but love too) has grown cold and I really don't know how to correct it. I am not "Mr. Romantic" and it sometimes seem that we are living under the same roof raising two great kids. My chats are my outlet of my frustrations. There are some people on there that are great guys, and others are just looking to get off. I am tired of the lack of male companionship/friendship.

I had thought that Gock, the co-author of this blog, was pissed at me. In his comments, he was frustrated over my lack of commitment to my wife and my marriage vows. He is correct...in part. I am not proud that I have and continue to commit the "sin" of adultery with another man. I'm calling it what it is.......Brokeback Mountain or not....it is still morally wrong....and I know it.This is probably why I prefer bi-married guys, and if they are Christian (or backslidden Christian) that is an even bigger plus. At least we are in the same boat.......that is slowly sinking in the mire of my own sin.

When I say "sin", some readers are automatically put on the defensive. They dismiss my views as some fanatical "Jesus Freak" and lump me in the same category as the people who boycotted Matthew Sheppard's funeral or bomb abortion clinics. This is an unfair judgment. When I started in grad school for social work, one of the key concepts was "self-determinism". In other words, you determine what you, the client/patient want to work on from your point of view. So if a person views same-sex activity as morally wrong for them, the I, the social worker/counselor have to work from that starting point. I was trained in diversity and tolerance. I sat in classes with a person who had a sex change operation (Born a man, sex change to a woman, now living with a woman in a lesbian relationship....try to figure that one out?) or the early 50's y/o man who "presented" themselves as a woman when he cross-dressed. Sorry guys...."If the skirt don't fit, you must acquit!". My point here is that with the concept of self-determinism, I view sleeping with another man a form of adultery. I freely acknowledge this.....however, to totally be abstinant from guys in light of a half-dead marriage is not going to happen.......at least for now.

While I am in the minority there, I am amazed at how many married guys there are on gay.com, and their wives are totally clueless. I was once called "Judas" online because I was "cheating" on both my wife and my faith. Now that was a harsh label to place on someone. I probably would prefer to be "Peter" as while he did deny he knew Jesus, he was later restored to the faith. I know in my heart that I am backslidden. I just wish there was someone who would confront me with my actions and give me practical advice how to change my life. Yet, it seems that the masses give you a "High-5" for another sexual conquest like there are no reprocussions for your actions.

Last week, I cleaned house at work. I deleted the old Word docs of the guy mentioned in my "Honesty and Humility" posting. I saw him on gay.com on Easter night. I IM'd him, but in usual fashion was greeted with silence. I know deep down I screwed up. I can't change the past and I can't take back the things I've said. I just hope (and occasionally pray) that he will find it in his heart to forgive me. I deleted him from my contacts on gay.com and took him off of my Buddy list on Yahoo messenger. It hurt too much to try to re-establish a friendship when he was indifferent to start with. I felt used and left on the side of the road.....so much for the Good Samaritan parable. I've had to cut all communication because, quite frankly, he doesn't care. This was hard, VERY HARD, for me to comes to grips with. I have spent alot of energy caring for someone who was indifferent towards a friendship/relationship. As Ecclesiastes states that "there is a time for everything...." and I must move on with my life.

Well, I must get back to work. Hope everyone who reads these ramblings will have a good week. Your comments are always welcomed!

Honesty and humility......

2006-04-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know how to start this blog entry....outside of the fact that I have disappointed/hurt two people over the last few months and this is an online confession.

First and foremost....to Gock....the co-author of this blog. We used to communicate via e-mail but that has ceased. I'm not sure if he is too busy with work, family, or just life itself. I believe the turning point is when I confessed to being involved with another married man that I see a few times a year. When we started this blog, I felt that I needed to have all the answers, and to have my life "on track"....meaning that I have repented of my "sins" and was back on the "straight and narrow". Well, that hasn't happened as of yet. I still need the support of someone that is further along this journey that I am. I still believe of the purpose behind this blog: Recommitment/restoration of our marriage vows.

I came across a website last week that haunts me:
http://www.marriedgay.org/
This website has alot of information in it and has hit home in quite a few areas. However, it does not address issues such as the impact on one's personal faith.

Secondly, I want to post an online apology to someone that I have betrayed their trust. You see, last summer I was involved with another married man. My preference is to find someone similar to myself: bisexual, married, kids, professional, and a Christian (albeit backslidden). We had been chatting for close to two years, and we finally met last year. Initially, he wanted a "closed loop" relationship. But I was scared and naive as I had not been in a relationship before this time. We met and had sex twice. For nearly six months, I sent him emails and the occasional voicemail. Honestly, I obsessed over this man. I wanted a close friendship/relationship but he moved on...he wasn't interested. In December, I found out that he had been "dating" (can you really date when you are married??) a man for the past three months prior. I was insane with jealousy and hurt. I wanted revenge...

Through our many chats, I knew a little more about him such as his wife's name, names of his kids, etc. Do you know that Google is a great but scarey tool? Well, I did my own little research on him via the 'net. I found that he was a small group Bible study leader at his home and also found out his wife's email address at work with an empty threat to "out" him unless he stepped up to the plate as a "friend". I write this out publicly as I am not proud of this fact. I was a borderline stalker. That is not a good thing! Well, before you dismiss me as a nutcase/psycho, I do have some morality left in my life. Being a product of divorce myself, I was not going to be the catalyst for his "outing". I respected his wife and kids to not put them through the hell that I had been through as a young teen.

Our last chat was in January. He has since blocked my email from his Yahoo account and placed his Yahoo IM on "stealth setting" so I can't see when he is online. I probably deserve his indifference as I know I betrayed his trust and mutual respect. However, to be fair to myself, I did not do anything with his information outside of a little research. I wanted a friend....someone that I could trust and that was in the same boat that I was.

During this time, I also had to have a hard look at myself. I turned 42 earlier this year, and felt that I was going through a "mid-life crisis". Don't worry, I did not buy the sports car or the 20-year old babe (or dude), but it did happen. As a mental health/substance abuse counselor, I also am trained in personality disorders. I scored High on the "dependent personality disorder", where I could probably diagnose this man with a "narcissistic personality disorder". It would probably be an accurate disgnosis for both parties.

One of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs is Social Needs -- to love and to be loved. At the time, I felt that I fell in "love" with the man, but probably what I really wanted was a close friend, someone that understood me for me. Honestly, I think I chose counseling because I wanted to fix my own issues.

Another reason that I was so upset with him is when I found out that he, if fact, was a small group leader at his church. His friend encouraged him to compartmentalize his life: family, religion, bi/gay lifestyle, etc. My thoughts on this is from a theological perspective that God is both Omniscient and Omnipresent--He knows all and sees all. We are only kidding ourselves if we feel that we are hiding from God. Isn't that what Adam did in the Garden of Eden?

Today, I have basically ruined a friendship. However, I wonder if he was more of an acquaintance than a friend. I still care about him, but am tired of trying to grovel to be forgiven. That is a choice he will have to make...or not. We all have free will and choices to make.

Thanks for letting me vent....Sorry Gock....Hope you are doing well.

The truth is right in front of us......

2006-03-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

I am starting out with a song by Third Day that really spoke to my heart earlier this year.......

Cry Out to Jesus by Mac Powell

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus:
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They've lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the one's who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember your not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out
You cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the eyes from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I apologize for anyone who has been reading this blog as of late that I haven't updated in close to a month. I have been busy as I finally passed my state licensure examination for Social Work and now am a full fledged Licensed Master's of Social Work (LMSW). My wife and I also recently went to Las Vegas for spring break without the kids and saw Celine Dion at Ceasar's Palace. Great concert. So I have been out of pocket for a while.......

I guess I feel that I need to clarify some things that are unclear. I have made references that same sex attractions are similar to drug and alcohol addictions, and that put some people on the defensive. I teach a class on addictions called "High Risk Situations" dealing with the high risk of a "relapse" if the addict is not proactive in their "recovery". This follows the A-B-C model created my on of the founding fathers of psychology, Albert Ellis.

A--------------B-------------C
A = Activating Event
B = Behavior
C = Consequence

For the drug/alcohol addict, it goes something like this:

A = "triggers", "signs","Cues", "Red flags"
B = Use/Drink or Cope in some healthier way
C = Postive or negative outcome

Ok, now for us with same sex attractions, our "trigger" (activating event) might be getting on a chat room, cruising an adult bookstore or park, bathhouses, loneliness, etc. This is where our free will and thought processes come into play. We have a choice at that point to continue down the path (behavior) that will probably lead us to a sexual encounter (negative) or toward sexual fidelity (postive). We also have free will and choices to make. The key here is to guard our thought processes and that is a choice.
As far as therapy is concerned, most popular today is Cogitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It's goal is change our thought processes which will change our outcome behavior. Now you have just had a crash course in Psycho-therapy 101!

I have to be honest here: While I know the path that I need to do, I have not taken the steps to correct what I need to do. It's the proverbial, "Do as I say, not as I do". This is probably due to my own involvement with another married man. I am not justifying my actions; I know it is morally wrong. I hope you as the reader will understand where I am at currently. A person can have all the "book knowledge" in the world, but they have to actually apply it to elicit any change in their lives. If I, or even you for that matter, are going to change and quit playing games, we need to be serious about our actions. We also need support. I personally can't do this on my own, and I am too embarassed to seek help from my local church. This is why Gock and I created this blog. Your comments and practical advice is appreciated.

we are not alone

2006-02-22T15:34:00.000-06:00

We knew that already... but today we received a note in a series of communication from a new reader. I thought it would help some of you that have yet to speak-up if you could be reminded again that there are many of us. Here is Pete's message to us and his short story on life...

-------

It was great hearing back from you. Delighted to make your acquaintance, to be perfectly honest.

Just wanted you to know that through my own bits and pieces of conversations with Gock, that I have been challenged by God to continue on in my 'leaving behind' of this adulterous behavior that I had been participating in over the last 5 or so years. When I first started talking to Gock on line, it was to see if he would be a good "long term" dude for me to develop a sexually and relationally based ongoing friendship with. He ducked out on meeting up, (I may well not be the type man he wants an intimate relationship with) and next time we talked, he told me of the "Renewed Vows" site that you and he had been formulating and had made generally available. The first time he told me of it, I was too scared to actually go to the link he sent. Then, as God continued applying the gentle pressure that only He is able to apply, I actually wished I could go there and check it out. I knew and I know that without serious, gut-level connection with other males who have either BEEN where I have been, or who are still THERE, that I was not gonna go anywhere very seriously that would take me out of the miry bog of man to man sexual involvement as a married guy.......

I read the site about a week ago, and unsuccessfully tried to post to it. (I am a techno idiot, Other Guy) so I have posted the damn thing, but have NO idea where it went. It surely is NOT at the site, this I know. Anyway, I also tried writing to the site (as amorphous as that may seem) and your email this morning is my response from "the site" for which I am very grateful. I just have to ask that you would also forward this along to Gock, so that he knows more completely where I am coming from, and that I am not just a dip on the horizon of his life.

My story? Way too long to go into here, at least for the moment. Suffice it to say that I have survived incest (at the hands of my mother) and physical and verbal abuse at the hands of my father. They are still married, and still living together and in their 80's now, because I would not encourage them to divorce and give up on each other even though I second guess myself constantly as to the wisdom of that counsel that I gave them. My man to man interest has always been there, at least I always thought I wanted a man to be my lover for as long as I can remember. I seduced a kid from the street I grew up on when I was 15 and he was 17, and we did the mutual "butt fuck" thing, which when I was doing him, was no great shakes, and when he did me, approached nightmarish proportions. I had picked him, because he had the biggest pouch on the bus, and baby, there was a reason for it. And as he tried to shove all 8.5 thick inches of his cock into my virgin asshole, it was VERY painful, and he did it with all the sensitivity of a Mack truck trying to mate with a BIcycle. I bled internally for 2 days afterwards, and was sure that my life was over every time I tried to take a bloody (literally) bowel movement. Swore off men "forever" and was sure it was just a mistake. Have never spoken to this guy since, even though our parents are still close friends. I know that he has been married a few times, and his IQ is probably still the size of his dick (8 or maybe 9) and he runs a tire store in Ohio someplace, but that is the extent of my further interaction with him.

I moved out of the house when I was 17 and lived abroad til I was ready to start college in the USA. Italy has a great number of very sexy males, but I kept my hands to myself, and my mind raced with the possibilities, but never acted on it. Was approached by a guy on the University of Colorado wrestling team to be his male lover during my freshman year, but decided that would make me "gay" so I turned him down and took up with the best looking woman in the coed dorm in which I lived. Got engaged to her by age 20, so figured my man-to-man days were done. She and I came to Christ at nearly 20 and realized that our love life was not taking place in the proper way, so we stopped sleeping together. She got married to someone else almost immediately, and I went on to dilly dally around with campus ministry until I was out of college, and then, at 25 married my best friend who is still my best friend today. I told her about my high school activity with the guy before I asked her to marry me, and I also told her that I was still not "over" my guy to guy attraction, but she wanted to marry me anyway, so we are still married, at nearly 28 years later.

About 6 years ago, I stopped having sex with her (it had diminished to the point of virtually none anyway, but I stopped approaching her at that time) and began spending an inordinate amount of time on line, seeing "who was out there" in terms of guys. I met up with and had oral sex with a few men, but then met a just divorced man whose wife had cheated on him with his best friend, who seemed like someone I could really connect with. I actually talked with him on line for three months before going down to his apartment in Denver, where we met and talked for hours that first time. I went down there and we talked DEEPLY for three times before we actually went to bed together, but I had a fear of just hopping in the bed for the sake of sex, and so this was my way of proving that I was not just out for sex, but really and truly wanted RELATIONSHIP with anyone before he would be allowed to be my lover.

He is my age also (or nearly so. I am 52 now, almost 53, and he is 50 now) and totally closeted about being with another man sexually. He is very athletic, very handsome, and has ladies throwing themselves at him all the time. We have been together now for over three years, with me commuting down there weekly to spend either a morning or an afternoon or a full day with him. that was until I began feeling the Lord's direction to come out of this relationship which had to have begun in earnest about this time last year. I began to meet with him less and less often, and have not seen him regularly since last summer. The last time we were together was in late December, and then for a very abbreviated time in early January. For us, this is practically no time at all together, because we have been lovers in the truest sense of the word since early 2003. I can honestly say that I have loved him, and I have shared Christ with him repeatedly, however, he is unable, (because of having been raped endlessly as a foster child within the Missouri state system) by his foster fathers and their friends to use the name "Father' with any degree of safety or positive image. He has serious lack of trust issues, and it took forever for him to believe I actually loved him and would not just leave him. We love to make out, to cuddle, and to orally enjoy one another. He has penetrated me a few times, but our primary means of making love has been orally. He is absolutely the best cock sucker I have ever EVER met, and I miss that part of our sexual life enormously. About a year into the relationship he began to allow me to suck him as well, but never yet to completion, because he is just totally inhibited about doing that inside of me, whereas I have never been remotely shy about feeding him whatever he is able to coax out of me. It has been a relationship that has worked, but God's instruction to be done with that has been becoming more and more clear, so I have been winding it down, and he has been taken away from the area with great frequency to deal with some crazy stuff going on in his own family (his ex-wife and his ex-best friend are now married, and the daughters from that marriage are each getting married (one a month back and one in another month) and he is allegedly going to move back to CA to be near the entire motley crew, so when I met Gock, I was hoping to find a man to replace this guy in my relational life.

Phew

Long story, and that is the abbreviated part.

The exciting part is that as I was talking with guys on line again, I met one who is also a Christian, who is a counselor and social worker (I don't THNK you and he are one in the same, Other Guy) and we have begun talking about God and His role in our lives, and why is it that we were each seeking out another man as our partial fulfillment anyway! It has been an amazing dialogue, and I am really seeing incredible steps out and away from where I ahve been willing to go, and I am actually not planning on replacing the guy who I have been seeing for three years now with another one, unless he is a born again guy who is willing NOT to be sexual with me, but rather, to walk out and away from the adultery that I have been involved in for these years.

That is my intention, and without God's grace, of course, I will not be able to have that kind of relationship. But since He is real, and since I am truly His kid, I believe that He is going to complete this incredible work of deliverance that He has begun in me, and I hope that He will bring to completion. i don't want you "Other Guy" or Gock to think that this is something that I have dreamed up on my own, but it IS something that I have been praying about and hoping to find my way "out of" for years. My spirit and soul KNOW that the adultery that I have been involved in is not what He intended me to live in. I have a wonderful woman as my life mate, and a wonderful adopted son who is turning out to be an absolutely fantastic young man (nearly 17 now.....), and I do not wish to soil them as I have been soiled. I wish to learn, even at this late date, to walk with God, and to walk with other men who have the same damage that I have experienced and entered into, into His fullness for us none-the-less. He is a God of new beginnings, and He is a faithful Father to an unfaithful and prodigal son, and I intend to walk in newness of life rather than continuing to root around and try to find fulfillment in some other man.

Clearly, this is not a completed work, but this is Pete (my real name) and this is who I really am, and who I believe that i am becoming. I hope to God that this is an appropriate message for me to pass along to the two of you. You have permission to post this to the site if you wish, and I ask you in all seriousness, to please pass it along to Gock if you will be so kind as to do so. I want him to know me better on paper before we actually get to meet up one morning to be of encouragement to one another in person, here in Colorado.

Take care, guys. Be strong, be courageous, and don't believe that the way we are is the way we are condemned to remain. He IS the God of new beginnings, and of gracious "forgetting" of the past, once we come to Him yet one more time, confess and repent of our ways.

One final request. please don't leave me hanging. This has been a major work of attempting to summarize my spiritual, personal, sexual journey. It costs a lot to try to be so open. Would love to hear back from you guys when you each have time/inclination/opportunity.

Lies.........

2006-02-16T15:24:00.000-06:00

This song was written by the late alternative Christian artist Gene Eugene. He died around 2000 and was in his early 40's. I loved the lyrics as they are so profound.

Trouble With Lies Lyrics by Gene Eugene

They unveil their latest crusade
It's some moral outrage they're stopping
Worldwide, religious arcade
It means their income was dropping
The host looks sincere
Irrelevant facts aren't a part of his career

The trouble with lies
When you tell them you still got to sell them
With the look in your eyes
Oh, that's the trouble with lies
As far as I'm concerned
With the lessons I've learned
I'm determined to try and survive
Without lies

This time it's her out 'til two
He hears the car in the driveway
He wonders what story she'll use
Did she get lost on the highway
He knows what it's like
He had to come up with a good one last night

The trouble with lies
When you tell them you still got to sell them
With the look in your eyes
Oh, that's the trouble with lies
As far as I'm concerned
With the lessons I've learned
I'm determined to try and survive
Without lies

I wish you could just tell the truth
I hear your voice getting nearer
It brings back the crimes of your youth
Avoid your eyes in the mirror
The trouble with lies
Is that you start to forget where the real man hides

The trouble with lies
When you tell them you still got to sell them
With the look in your eyes
Oh, that's the trouble with lies
As far as I'm concerned
With the lessons I've learned
I'm determined to try and survive
Without lies

~While currently working with addicts, they usually are "experts" on three areas: 1) lies, 2) deceit, and 3) cover-up. This is not unlike us. "The trouble with lies is that you start to forget where the real man lies". This is speaks volumes of truth. I have lied....lied to myself....lied to my spouse. I have deceived and covered-up as a means to justify my sins. This blog format is a way of confronting my lies...because most of us would not disclose what we have been doing. Especially to another church member for fear of rejection and judgment. I know....I'm one of you.

Your "truthful" comments are welcomed........

Stages of Change

2006-02-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

This week I had a follow-up session with a former client in recovery. This man was a former user and dealer of the methamphetamine "ICE". This is a very difficult substance to overcome, but our collaborative efforts in rehabilitation paid off. He has been clean since October 2005. One of the keys to change is a persons motivation. If a person is not motivated to change, they could be sitting on Sigmund Freud's couch and leave there unchanged. I firmly believe that it is a matter of your will. Some who read this blog are not interested in changing your current situation, others are contemplating it, and others are making baby steps.

I would like to introduce you to the research work of Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross know as the Stages of Change Theory

1. Precontemplation - "which there is no intention to change in the foreseeable future" and people may be "unaware or underaware of their problems".
2. Contemplation - "in which people are aware that a problem exits and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action". (in this stage, pros and cons of the problem and solution are weighed).
3. Preparation - in which individuals intend "to take action in the next month".
4. Action - in which the individuals have successfully modified their situation "from one day to six months".
5. Maintenance - in which people continue to change and prevent relapse.

Currently, I'd have to say that I was in the Contemplation stage. I know what I am doing is not morally correct. I freely admit this fact. Working with addicts, experts in the field say that they are experts on the defense mechanisms of: 1) lies, 2) deception, and 3) cover-up. This is not unlike us....we have lied, deceived, and covered-up to our spouses/significant others in pursuit of our "fix" of sex.

Currently, I'm probably more in the line of Step 2, Contemplation.
So....now it's your turn. Where are you in the process of changing?
I've always said that "change isn't change until it's change"
Your comments are welcomed...

Jars of Clay - "He"

2006-01-30T10:07:00.000-06:00

I was moved my Gock's previous blog entry that I had to share the lyrics to a Jars of Clay song, "He". I thought that the lyrics would be healing to both Gock and anyone else who experienced similar abuses.

He - lyrics by Jars of Clay and Dan Haseltine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for the things that I've done

Well, I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over. Will this someday be over?

Chorus:
Fearful, tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down...

Daddy, don't you love me? Then why do you hit me?
And Momma don't you love me? Then why do you hurt me?
Well, I've tried to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away....
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrows of angels in high
For the least of the hopeless, the helpless, the loveless
My Jesus, his children, He holds in His arms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Very little disclosure here to the masses: I am a social worker, currently employed as a substance abuse counselor. Alot of your Child Protection Services (CPS) workers are social workers who work daily with abuse issues. I could never work in that environment because I'd be wanting to string up the perpetrator! As a professional, at least I know my limitations and what best "fits" by personality.

As mentioned, abuse could come in three versions: physical, emotional, or sexual. For the reader, if you would like to anonymously discuss any abuse issues, please feel free to do so. Your comments are welcomed!

the boy in the corner

2006-01-26T10:03:00.000-06:00

Hi! I am the secondary founder of this little blog - the technical expert if you will. I will be posting from time to time to participate in discussions or generate some of my own information. Please note at the bottom of every post is a remark as to whom it was created by. When something was created by "restored vows" then it will be from our primary founder - the man who as spoken to you already about his parent's divorce and growing up and who wrote our introduction post. When something was written below by "Colorado Gock" then it will have been from me. You will certainly notice differences in our writing style and definitely differences in our approach and attitudes. We do, however, have one major thing in common: I - too - am a "backslidden" Christian man with a wife and two kids - all of whom I love with great severity. I am also a bisexual. You will also find that I'm ridiculously verbose in text - for this I apologize - as a life long "cyber punk", typing to me is even more second nature than speaking; Words just flow out of my head and directly into my fingers.

Some people don't believe in Bisexuality, they can't see past their own nose to the idea that a reality could exist beyond their comprehension. Don't be like that.

Anyhow - I just wanted to write a short introduction and then a narrative on my own childhood abuse experience as "B" (our primary author, should I just call him B?) asked me to do. I am in my late 20's, married, employed by a progressive technology organization under government contract, I have two wonderful boys, and I have recently (about 5 months ago) found the truth of Christianity, God, and Jesus in my heart. In spite of this spiritual awakening inside me, I have still committed adultery twice with another man during this time. I have sworn off this activity and it WILL cease from this day forward... But I am weak, and I need help. When I was much younger I participated fully in the founding primary wave of the "cyber punk" movement (also known as early or old school hackerism) and I still believe in most of it's ideals today. Please feel free to ask me any questions either by comment here or by e-mail to the restoredvows@yahoo.com address.

I wrote a narrative about my abusive experience one time a few years ago when I was seeking solace about a painfully recollected memory. I purged that narrative about 5 months ago in a group of erotic and violent stories that I once wrote as well - all of which were pretty wrong. I do however wish I hadn't purged this one narrative in the group so I'm going to try to re-write it again today for you. This is not about sexual abuse per se, but a different type of abuse, and it's who I am.

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A young boy of 12 curls in a ball in the corner of the small bathroom. His body lay on his side, he is wearing only white underwear, and he is facing the wall. The boy is sobbing but he's trying to remain quiet...He doesn't want to...disturb anyone. There are red-ish sores on his back, some are bleeding or have recently bled and stopped, others are just inflamed. They are not acne nor are they any of the various range of skin diseases. His face, although you can not see it from behind, is also swollen and red from multiple blows (soon to be black/blue).

He sobs and lays nearly still, and tries to be quiet but he can not fully turn out the pain as he has always failed to completely turn out the pain since these events began 6 or 7 years before. Every time a little more severe is his "punishment" for crimes committed against humanity? Sometimes his crime is simply being alive, other times it's for getting into trouble or a fight at school, or not getting a passing grade in a class. The justification varies based on the drunken dictator's given state but the punishment is nearly always the same. A lit blunt or cigarette extinguished on the boy's skin - always on the chest or on the back, a fist or two or four in the stomach or face. In some ways he's accustomed to it now, in others, he never will be.

The echos still scream though his head as he cannot shake them away... "No daddy, please no... please daddy, I'll be good this time. No!!"

This night the mother is not to be found. Like most nights really, she is away from the house "with someone" or "working late". Everyone knows what she's really doing, but nobody will ever dare say it. Actually nobody ever says anything about what happens in the little house down the middle of Alma Way, nobody wants to know what the screaming is about, nobody wants to care about that strange boy. His father, we understand is a good carpenter, he builds great things for a very honest day's hard work. Certainly he would not be capable of being anything short of a loving father..

As the boy continues to lay on cold tile floor in the corner of the small bathroom sobbing, his pain finds itself converting into anger... and anger to rage. Anger and rage both contain determination - but for what? He only knows that he will never do this to another human being, ever. He will kill himself or allow himself to be killed by someone before he allows himself to turn into this monster. Surely though it will happen some day, will he be able to destroy himself before he becomes as bad or worse than his father had been? The boy hopes and prays against the invisible God to which his father and mother both vehemently deny the existence that he will find a way to die before he hurts another child in this way - or that maybe - he can do something different some day instead.

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This went on in one form or another until I was about 15.5-ish. What happened on that hot night in June is another narrative entirely but the summation is that the tables finally turned, and suddenly, I was free.

I later stumbled into true love, the type of love that you really can't describe... And it saved me, and the Lord saved me even though I didn't know or love him yet. He reached down and picked up my heart and loved me even though I'd completely forsaken him my entire life. I recently found him there, as he always had been, and in discovering this has made me far more resolute and committed to taking all the sin out of my body and my life. This does not change the fact that I AM bisexual, and I don't think that is a sin... But rather the actions of cheating on my wife are the sinful part.

That's enough for today. I have much more to share, but that's enough.

Thank you.

My Parent's Divorce

2006-01-23T15:18:00.000-06:00

Divorce is not a pretty event, especially for the children conceived from the troubled marriage. This is my own personal story: Around 1977, was the height of the citizen band (CB) radio. Having a CB in your car or at a "homebase" was popular. It was probably the 1970's version of the current cell phone. You could communicate with another person via their CB "handle" or name. My name was "Boo-Boo" as in Yogi the Bear's sidekick. One night, I was a young 13 year old monitoring the CB, when I heard my mother ask another operator to change to another channel. Of course, I followed her to the new channel and there my mom had arranged to meet the local grocery store produce manager down by the river. When my mother got home later, I confronted my mom with this information in front of my father. I could see the trust leave my father's face and was replaced with hurt. It wasn't too many months past this time that my parent's announced that they would divorce.

It was a cold and dark mid-November night in 1977. I had just came home from junior high basketball practice (I wasn't that good by the way), when they announced that they were getting divorced. Being the only child, my life was beginning to be radically changed. The stability of my family, no matter how dysfunctional, was now shattered. I actually helped load my father’s belongings into his vehicle that night of the announcement, with huge tears streaming down my face. I loved my father and now he was leaving our home. A few weeks later was Thanksgiving and the family dinner was very somber. We made the excuse that my father had to "work" and could not be there for the Thanksgiving feast. What a farce...That Christmas was very hard for me also. I was so depressed that Dad made me go stay with my grandparents for a few days. I was sad and very depressed. I would get down on my knees and pray to God that they would not get divorced. That prayer went unanswered.

The divorce decree was finalized in March 1978. Historically, this was the height of the "disco" era and "free love". After the divorce, my mother went "wild" and would go out bar hopping on Friday or Saturday night leaving me at home. I would stay home and watch the original "Saturday Night Live". I also was very depressed during this time. To this day, I cannot listen to Bette Midler's "The Rose" without getting sad. Get the picture here: I was 14 years old, very thin, braces, severe acne, and the brunt of my classmates ridicule. I could have easily been a teen suicide statistic or been the 70's version of Columbine. To let you know how much I hated my life, I had this T-shirt with the iron-on transfer on it that read: "Have a Nice Day before some Bastard Louses it Up!". Talk about a negative attitude.

My mother also experimented with live-in boyfriends. One of them, Gordon, was an alcoholic. He used to hide vodka bottles around our house for his fix. Gordon was also bi-sexual. One night, my mother thought I should experience my first alcoholic drink at home as compared to being in a car drinking and driving. So Gordon made everyone some "screwdrivers" with orange juice and vodka. With one drink, I was looped and I went to bed. Within an half an hour, Gordon came upstairs to "talk" with me. The talk eventually lead to him performing oral sex on me. This was child sexual abuse. I am a male sexual abuse survivor! Sex abuse can negatively affect a young boy, especially if they are in the middle of puberty. Talk about messing up your own concept of masculinity and questioning if he did this to me because he thought I was gay?

A few weeks later and very embarrassed, I told my mother what had happened. As was the norm for a small town in the Midwest, this was never reported and nothing was ever done. This is just one of several stories about my parent's divorce.

I would like to hear of your own stories of your parent's divorce or sexual abuse. I believe it plays a factor in why I seek out same sex encounters and fulfilling a legitimate need.
Please post your anonymous comments. For most, you would rather disclose something to a total stranger, than to a close friend or to a member of your clergy at your church. Your feedback and comments are welcome!

Introduction

2006-01-19T14:20:00.000-06:00

Welcome to our Blog! We are glad that you have taken the time to find us. This blog was birthed out of my own "mid-life" crisis and the desire to look beyond myself to help others. When I say "we", it is co-produced by two Christian married men who have never met in person. I stumbled upon him through one of his old blogs. I am in my early 40's and he is in his late 20's. We reside in two different states within the United States. We are married to a person of the opposite gender, have children, are conservative Christians, and have been involved in various same-sex sexual encounters.

Homosexuality or Bisexuality is a very complicated issue. I as the writer am a professional counselor, working currently in the area of substance abuse rehabilitation. My training included various classes on diversity and tolerance. In no way should this blog be a forum for gay-bashing or condemnation for the acts that we have committed. We realize or are starting to realize that what we are doing is morally wrong. We are not pastors, clergy, or a priest. We are like the people that you shake hands with when you greet each other at your church. To our friends, and maybe even our church family, we are the picture of the "perfect" Christian spouse. Yet, we have this other part of our lives; where we are involved in "covert or hidden" actions with another member of the same sex. Those actions could be something as simple as getting online to chat to a full-blown sexual encounter. We are embarrassed and ashamed to admit this to anyone within our respective churches, or even admit this to ourselves. So there we sit, guilty and feeling condemned by our own actions. We wonder if there is anyone out there in a similar situation. We there is.... I am one of you!

The blog applies to the following individuals:

1.) We are Christians - We are followers and believers in God. We believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and through his shed blood on the cross we can have forgiveness of our sins. Our theological point of view will come from a conservative slant. If you disagree with this view, then this blog is not for you.

2.) We are married - We believe in the sanctity of marriage. We were married to our respective spouses for a reason; hopefully because that we genuinely loved them and wanted to live our lives with them. Some of us have children that we love and care deeply for. Others might be divorced or have never been married. Other readers might be engaged, or maybe living together... Regardless of your marital status, everyone is welcome to view this blog and give their respective responses.

3.) We have committed adultery - If you are married, you took a vow stating something to the effect that we would be faithful to our spouses. We have broken that vow. We have trespassed against one of God's "Ten Commandments". We are guilty, whether we admit it or not. Some of us are in denial. Others have justified their "sins" in their own minds. However, if we "get real" with ourselves, then we have to admit that we are guilty. I'm not pointing fingers at you.... I am one of you!

4.) We desire to recommit our lives to God and to our marriage - I am a "backslidden" Christian... and I know it. While we go to church, there is a distinction between being fully committed to God versus just "playing church". In all fairness to you the reader, I have not changed my current situation. I'm seriously contemplating my next move. I'm not "there yet"... and maybe you are not either. I can relate to your struggles, because I have them too.

If you are reading this, you have some savvy at navigating on the 'net. Most of us have been involved in various Instant Messenger (IM) chat capabilities. As of this writing, I still have a gay.com account where I get on and chat. For the majority of the people on there, they have one goal of being online there: to have a "hookup" for a sexual encounter. There are other IM capabilities trough other providers: Yahoo IM, AOL IM, Skype, Men4SexNow, etc... Others have engaged in "risky behaviors" by having sex in an adult theatre (porn shop), public parks, our places of work.... all in the pursuit of temporary pleasure. This is not unlike the crack addicts I work with who just like the "high". One of the reasons for this blog is for support. I am weak. If I deleted my gay.com account, I could easily open another one under another username. I need your help, and if you agree with our stance, we need your feedback. We need your support and practical ways to overcome this desire; not your self-righteous condemnation.

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped countless individuals in overcoming their alcohol addiction. Step one states, "We admitted that we were powerless over (alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable". I am addicted to the chats. Some of us are addicted to the "hunt"; others to the sex. Alcoholism is progressive leading to tolerance and eventually to addiction. Our actions may have evolved into a full-blown sexual addiction. Only you yourself can determine where you stand currently.

Lastly, for those that are activists within the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered (GLBT) communities; we respect your position. We are not condemning you or your current life situation. Our aim, our goal is to restore families. Our purpose is for a renewal of our commitment to our spouses. Our goal is to be the godly example to our children by being fully committed to our spouses. This does not negate our same-sex attraction. That is a whole other complex issue. We respect your position, please respect ours also.

So what do you think? Your honest and constructive feedback is welcomed!
Please do not use your real name in the responses of this blog to protect everyone's privacy.

May God Bless this blog!