Honesty and humility......

I don't know how to start this blog entry....outside of the fact that I have disappointed/hurt two people over the last few months and this is an online confession.

First and foremost....to Gock....the co-author of this blog. We used to communicate via e-mail but that has ceased. I'm not sure if he is too busy with work, family, or just life itself. I believe the turning point is when I confessed to being involved with another married man that I see a few times a year. When we started this blog, I felt that I needed to have all the answers, and to have my life "on track"....meaning that I have repented of my "sins" and was back on the "straight and narrow". Well, that hasn't happened as of yet. I still need the support of someone that is further along this journey that I am. I still believe of the purpose behind this blog: Recommitment/restoration of our marriage vows.

I came across a website last week that haunts me:
http://www.marriedgay.org/
This website has alot of information in it and has hit home in quite a few areas. However, it does not address issues such as the impact on one's personal faith.

Secondly, I want to post an online apology to someone that I have betrayed their trust. You see, last summer I was involved with another married man. My preference is to find someone similar to myself: bisexual, married, kids, professional, and a Christian (albeit backslidden). We had been chatting for close to two years, and we finally met last year. Initially, he wanted a "closed loop" relationship. But I was scared and naive as I had not been in a relationship before this time. We met and had sex twice. For nearly six months, I sent him emails and the occasional voicemail. Honestly, I obsessed over this man. I wanted a close friendship/relationship but he moved on...he wasn't interested. In December, I found out that he had been "dating" (can you really date when you are married??) a man for the past three months prior. I was insane with jealousy and hurt. I wanted revenge...

Through our many chats, I knew a little more about him such as his wife's name, names of his kids, etc. Do you know that Google is a great but scarey tool? Well, I did my own little research on him via the 'net. I found that he was a small group Bible study leader at his home and also found out his wife's email address at work with an empty threat to "out" him unless he stepped up to the plate as a "friend". I write this out publicly as I am not proud of this fact. I was a borderline stalker. That is not a good thing! Well, before you dismiss me as a nutcase/psycho, I do have some morality left in my life. Being a product of divorce myself, I was not going to be the catalyst for his "outing". I respected his wife and kids to not put them through the hell that I had been through as a young teen.

Our last chat was in January. He has since blocked my email from his Yahoo account and placed his Yahoo IM on "stealth setting" so I can't see when he is online. I probably deserve his indifference as I know I betrayed his trust and mutual respect. However, to be fair to myself, I did not do anything with his information outside of a little research. I wanted a friend....someone that I could trust and that was in the same boat that I was.

During this time, I also had to have a hard look at myself. I turned 42 earlier this year, and felt that I was going through a "mid-life crisis". Don't worry, I did not buy the sports car or the 20-year old babe (or dude), but it did happen. As a mental health/substance abuse counselor, I also am trained in personality disorders. I scored High on the "dependent personality disorder", where I could probably diagnose this man with a "narcissistic personality disorder". It would probably be an accurate disgnosis for both parties.

One of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs is Social Needs -- to love and to be loved. At the time, I felt that I fell in "love" with the man, but probably what I really wanted was a close friend, someone that understood me for me. Honestly, I think I chose counseling because I wanted to fix my own issues.

Another reason that I was so upset with him is when I found out that he, if fact, was a small group leader at his church. His friend encouraged him to compartmentalize his life: family, religion, bi/gay lifestyle, etc. My thoughts on this is from a theological perspective that God is both Omniscient and Omnipresent--He knows all and sees all. We are only kidding ourselves if we feel that we are hiding from God. Isn't that what Adam did in the Garden of Eden?

Today, I have basically ruined a friendship. However, I wonder if he was more of an acquaintance than a friend. I still care about him, but am tired of trying to grovel to be forgiven. That is a choice he will have to make...or not. We all have free will and choices to make.

Thanks for letting me vent....Sorry Gock....Hope you are doing well.