Just for today....

I really don't know if my posting are making any sense or just "psycho-babble" as another blogger put it. Regardless, this is me....

As I write this, I am supposed be hooking up with another bi guy from out of state. We have been chatting on gay.com (yes, I still have an account there....a paid one no less...but I didn't pay for it....that's a whole other story!) I did not hook-up today because 1) I really wasn't attracted to this man, 2) I probably prefer intimacy to the sex. I know deep down that I am supposed to get this intimacy from my wife, but our love life (not just sex but love too) has grown cold and I really don't know how to correct it. I am not "Mr. Romantic" and it sometimes seem that we are living under the same roof raising two great kids. My chats are my outlet of my frustrations. There are some people on there that are great guys, and others are just looking to get off. I am tired of the lack of male companionship/friendship.

I had thought that Gock, the co-author of this blog, was pissed at me. In his comments, he was frustrated over my lack of commitment to my wife and my marriage vows. He is correct...in part. I am not proud that I have and continue to commit the "sin" of adultery with another man. I'm calling it what it is.......Brokeback Mountain or not....it is still morally wrong....and I know it.This is probably why I prefer bi-married guys, and if they are Christian (or backslidden Christian) that is an even bigger plus. At least we are in the same boat.......that is slowly sinking in the mire of my own sin.

When I say "sin", some readers are automatically put on the defensive. They dismiss my views as some fanatical "Jesus Freak" and lump me in the same category as the people who boycotted Matthew Sheppard's funeral or bomb abortion clinics. This is an unfair judgment. When I started in grad school for social work, one of the key concepts was "self-determinism". In other words, you determine what you, the client/patient want to work on from your point of view. So if a person views same-sex activity as morally wrong for them, the I, the social worker/counselor have to work from that starting point. I was trained in diversity and tolerance. I sat in classes with a person who had a sex change operation (Born a man, sex change to a woman, now living with a woman in a lesbian relationship....try to figure that one out?) or the early 50's y/o man who "presented" themselves as a woman when he cross-dressed. Sorry guys...."If the skirt don't fit, you must acquit!". My point here is that with the concept of self-determinism, I view sleeping with another man a form of adultery. I freely acknowledge this.....however, to totally be abstinant from guys in light of a half-dead marriage is not going to happen.......at least for now.

While I am in the minority there, I am amazed at how many married guys there are on gay.com, and their wives are totally clueless. I was once called "Judas" online because I was "cheating" on both my wife and my faith. Now that was a harsh label to place on someone. I probably would prefer to be "Peter" as while he did deny he knew Jesus, he was later restored to the faith. I know in my heart that I am backslidden. I just wish there was someone who would confront me with my actions and give me practical advice how to change my life. Yet, it seems that the masses give you a "High-5" for another sexual conquest like there are no reprocussions for your actions.

Last week, I cleaned house at work. I deleted the old Word docs of the guy mentioned in my "Honesty and Humility" posting. I saw him on gay.com on Easter night. I IM'd him, but in usual fashion was greeted with silence. I know deep down I screwed up. I can't change the past and I can't take back the things I've said. I just hope (and occasionally pray) that he will find it in his heart to forgive me. I deleted him from my contacts on gay.com and took him off of my Buddy list on Yahoo messenger. It hurt too much to try to re-establish a friendship when he was indifferent to start with. I felt used and left on the side of the road.....so much for the Good Samaritan parable. I've had to cut all communication because, quite frankly, he doesn't care. This was hard, VERY HARD, for me to comes to grips with. I have spent alot of energy caring for someone who was indifferent towards a friendship/relationship. As Ecclesiastes states that "there is a time for everything...." and I must move on with my life.

Well, I must get back to work. Hope everyone who reads these ramblings will have a good week. Your comments are always welcomed!