Friends.......

FRIENDS - by Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends

With the faith and love that God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

CHORUS 2X
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I am writing this posting to a "friend" that is soon moving away. He was the subject of my April "Honesty and humility" posting. He is a tall individual, so I'll refer to him as the "Big Goof"... a term of endearment...not a derogatory slam.

I am trying to repair the damage to this friendship that I caused last December. I obsessed over this man because I was jealous that he was involved in another relationship. The "Big Goof" and I both saw how extreme that living in the "flesh/sinful nature" can bring about negative consequences. With him, I saw a side of my personality that I don't like to face. I can be extremely needy. I honestly think that I got into the helping professions to work on my own issues. Thoughts of abandonment probably originate in my own parents' divorce with my Dad moving out at age 13.

As promised to the "Big Goof", I am retracting my assessment of him as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However........I do think that he has some narcissistic traits. (I'm not totally throwing in the towel on this one, B.G.!) I think I was envious. Envious of his career, his marriage, his bi-married boyfriend......everything. It is hard....darn hard....to start over in a new career in the early 40's as I am doing currently.

With this public, anonymous forum, I was able to publicly apologize for my actions. I really don't know how much longer that this blog will go on as my current job ends on Sept 6th. Maybe Gock--the co-author, who has been relatively silent for the most part, will take over. The future is unknown.......

"Big Goof".......even though I frustrated you to new levels, I appreciate the fact that you have not "forsaken" me. You have been civil and have taken the high road overall. My sincerest and heartfelt hope is that we can get beyond my extreme actions of the past year and be genuine "friends". Even though I basically threatened to "out" this man unless he stepped up to the plate as a friend, I realize that you cannot manipulate a friendship. If it is meant to be......it will be.

I started this blog as a form of wanting answers from other Christian men who struggle with same sex attractions. It was created after I wrote "Big Goof" a scathing email. It was filled with hate and hurt; not the qualities that a follower of Jesus should exhibit. I am not following my faith as prescribed by the conservative church doctrine that I follow. Neither is B.G.. We all have people that come into our lives for a reason. There was a reason that "Big Goof's" and my paths crossed in the big, cosmic scheme of things. I don't believe that we were meant to perpetuate anger and strife to one another. We are mandated to "love one another" as Jesus commanded.

"Though it's hard to let you go, In the Father's hands we know, that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends."

Take care B.G.. May God continue to look after you. I hope to "restore" our friendship to where it once was.

Your comments about friends is appreciated........

Everybody Hurts.......

Everybody Hurts
Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe

When the day is long and the night,
the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts.

Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand.

If you feel like you're alone,
no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life,
the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
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I historically never listened to R.E.M. but I do like this song and its lyrics.

This week, a fellow blogger made a brave decision and finally "outed" himself to his children. I say he is brave as I am certain that he is "hurting" right now as I right this entry. Please visit his blog at: http://trollatsea.blogspot.com/

He has been married for 26 years and was moving out of his home to another temporary location locally. I emailed him and he was very appreciative of the online support from fellow bloggers as well as his readers. "Everyone hurts, You are not alone" is my message to The Troll.
"Take comfort in your friends" is my message to him.

Finally, some of the people who are reading this blog are leaving comments. However, they have been mixed. One lady reader suggested that lines of communication be improved between my wife and I (I do agree), and the other reader, a male, is suggesting that I stop living a lie and basically get divorced so I can live a gay life. Two very opposite ends of the spectrum (no gay rainbow jokes mind you!). This is a very complex and complicated subject.

Another fellow blogger is eliciting comments from gay husbands:
http://sh-out.blogspot.com/

I would recommend leaving a comment to her most recent posting. She is trying to figure this out as much as most of you who read my blog.

Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment if so inclined......