"What Hurts the Most"
Rascal Flatts What Hurts The Most Lyrics
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret, but I know
If I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Restored Vows is back.........of sorts.
For the past four months I have not been able to update this blog due to my previous work did not have internet access and I didn't have the time to update the blog at home due to my family around.
A lot has happen in the four months. None of which is easy to share. Probably the most revealing is that I Outed myself to my wife on New Year's eve. I am still at home at this time but you can cut the tension with a knife. I think the tension was building as I met someone that I had an infatuation with. Let me explain the situation....
The guy, who I will call "Diet Coke Guy" (DCG) and myself had a very close friendship until I screwed it up. You see, DCG has a partner of 3.5 years known as "Jobless Joe" or JJ. DCG and JJ both have a history of cheating on each other. Anyway....over the period of a few months DCG and I became very close friends....at least in my mind. He even told me that he "loved me as a friend" which I misinterpretted in my having some form of affection towards me.
"What hurts the most was being so close,
And havin' so much to say And watchin' you walk away"
DCG and I were very close. We had a lot of things in common: religious background, marriage/divorce, children, similar personalities, etc. I could see myself with this man....but there is one large problem: JJ. It's amazes me that JJ scolded me in a chat stating that "DCG + JJ = Relationship" when he knowingly had cheated on DCG several times and even lied about it. What a hypocritical statement!!!!
As must as I still care for DCG, there are a few Life Lessons I have learned:
Life Lesson #1 - For the married or gay male: Do NOT get involved with someone that has a partner. They will break your heart every time.
Life Lesson #2 - For the gay man with a partner: Do NOT get your emotional needs met by someone other than your partner. It is not fair to the partner or the other third party.
In my fantasy world, DCG would leave JJ and I would get divorced and we would live together. Dealing with our ex-wives and our children. However, this is only a pipe dream. Honestly....I think that both DCG and myself are too scared to make a move. I don't know what the future is going to hold....but I am sorry to have lost such a close friend.
Anyway......this song will also be used for my next posting dealing with my wife.
"What hurts the most...Is being so close........"
~Restored Vows
posted by Restored Vows @
5:33 PM
14 comments
14 Comments:
Welcome back and hang in there.
Life Lesson #2 - For the gay man with a partner: Do NOT get your emotional needs met by someone other than your partner. It is not fair to the partner or the other third party.
Is this not what you are doing to your wife? Getting your emotional needs met elsewhere? So maybe you should follow your own advice!
I would have to agree with what Anonymous said. I have been getting my emotional needs met by DCG and not from my wife. I've heard it said that there should not be a third party in a relationship....and that is exactly what DCG and myself had....and emotional affair of the heart. I heard some radio DJ state that an emotional affair is almost worst than the "one night stand". I would have to agree with this position....
"What hurts the most...was being so close..."
RV
So if you are excusing the behavior or making it ok within yourself, why do you call yourself or your blog "restored vows?" It seems that you have only your interests at heart rather then the committment you claim to want to rectify based on previous blogs and your name of "restored vows." I understand you are in a hard situation, but doesn't your wife deserve consideration in this? Doesn't she deserve a better life then what you admittedly are giving her?
Dear Anonymous -
The name of the blog was created one year ago this month as a way of reaching out to the masses to see if, with God's help, that I could "restore" the commitment to my wife and family. The input to this blog or the subsequent email has been minimal.
Nearly 15 years ago, I would have never imagined the position that I currently am in. Whether that is my religious convictions, maritial problems, sexual intimacy with my wife, etc.
I made a vow to God, my family, and her family to stay true to her. I have trampled on those vows with hooking up with other guys.
I have to admit that I have been self-centered and the commitment to work on my marriage has been minimal.
Honestly....I am not happy anymore. I anticipate making a major change within the next month, once I get more financially stable with my new job.
Thanks Anonymous for calling me on my "Stuff".
RV
I'm glad to hear that you admit your mistakes and that you plan on changing them. Is your wife aware of this? Or are there more lies until you are ready to break yourself away.
To be true to yourself is another issue altogether, but to treat anyone the way you have treated your wife is wrong. I see you fully admit that. Are you admitting that to everyone, or are you making more selfish decisions and allowing her to believe the continued lies that inevitably have been told for you to continue the lifestyle you have chosen? Your wife has feelings too...remember what hurts the most...I'm sure your wife has those same hurts.
God accepts us...with all our flaws and all our mistakes. I can see that your initial intention may have been to do the right thing. You made a choice or many choices not to do the right thing. You made choices based on what you found to be good for "restored vows." You knew you were making wrong choices, and still continued to make them.
Does God see that? My thought is that you are held to a higher standard in his eyes because you fully recognize what you are doing is wrong, yet you still continue to be selfish.
This may be harsh. Quite honestly none of us who have viewed this site would have the right to cast stones. However, you opened this forum and my thought is that you opened it with good intentions, maybe, but what it turned into was a way for you to seek other people who were in similar situations so as to make it ok within yourself.
While there is a reason why you have chosen not to seek emotional intimacy from your wife, she is the one you have lacked to consider in all of this. I'm sure you have found your own way to justify it, but she didn't or doesn't deserve to be treated in such a manner. If you know that you are going to be leaving I hope you decided to do the right thing and tell her now, so she can prepare herself, like you are giving yourself time to prepare. My hope for you is that you find happiness through honesty and you realize that selfishness is not a becoming trait. Selfishness harms all those around you and eventually, even you!
Truly I hope you find what you are looking for, but hurting others in the process shouldn't be ok.
For now, I think we should change your blog name to "moving on" instead of "restored vows"...I think you agree..it no longer applies or is applicable to your current situation. Good Luck moving on!
Dear Anonymous -
It almost sounds like you know me! I have been selfish and self-centered...just the opposite of the Christian faith that I profess.
Being a product of divorce myself, I know the pain and anguish that the children of divorce go through. My parent's divorce was very ugly and I don't anticipate that my divorce will be any better. The only thing that I know is that I am not happy right now.
Is the grass greener in the gay world? As one friend said, I have opened the closet door and looked out, but have not taken the bold step to come out of the closet.
I have two great children that I cherish with all my heart. However, lately I have not been the best father. I have been selfish and self-centered as listed above.
And where does my wife fit into all of this? I did love her at first. She will probably be the only woman that I will ever truly love in my life. I have not been honest with her which as Anonymous points out is not fair to her.
She is willing to take me back as long as I go to counseling for the "gay issues". I question if "reparative therapy" actually works. Have I let man's religious slant on the subject cloud my judgment on what Jesus teaches and upholds? Jesus himself never directly condemned homosexuality; the Apostle Paul did. How much of that was cultural also.
This is my Gethsamane....my cross to bear...my sin exposed for others to see. Jesus was naked on the cross and I feel naked myself now. Exposed and receiving ridicule and shame.
I know through my training that staying together "for the children" only models dysfunction and not what a marriage is supposed to be. Having my children deal with the divorce is one thing, having a gay father is totally something seperate.
"My God, My God...why have you forsaken me?" This is my Gethsamane.....
RV
Moving on-
It feels as though I know you because I am you. I know the pain associated with what you are going through. I don't struggle with the exact issues but I found restored vows for the hope of understanding how I could restore my own.
I probably have been too harsh. It just seemed that after reading all your blogs that you were waiting for someone to tell you exactly what I did. It's all information you've known and feel, but hasn't been spoken out loud. Lying is not an easy thing to overcome. As for making "major changes" in your life, I applaud you. It's not going to be easy and I think you know that.
I don't believe God has forsaken you. The bible says God will never forsake us. I believe that comes from a human just as us, who feels that way in his moment of crisis and calls out to God in his loneliness.
I'm not sure my situation will work out either but I know for myself lying can never be the answer again, no matter what happens. Mistakes get made, we can try to repair it, but ultimately the best answer to repairing the past is changing your response in the future.
Good Luck Moving On!
signed, Damaged Vows
Dear Damaged Vows --
At the prompting of the subject of this posting, a close friend prompted me to inquire if you know me? It appears that you know me or at least my situation very well.
I guess that is the rationale behind the blog is the anonymity factor. That has it upsides and downsides as while there is this public personnae vs. the intimacy of knowing the person behind the comment.
What situation are your referring to? Your marriage, partnership or just what? "Enquiring minds want to know...."
Honestly....I am scared to make a major move without the support of someone like DCG. I will need someone to give me the moral and emotional support to help me make this transistion. Maybe I should just "suck it up" and just leave.
And what...go home to an empty apartment to where I can isolate myself and lead to a Major Depression? As a professional MH provider....that would be classified as an impaired provider. So my new job and its subsequent income that I desperately need will be jeapardized?? Bottom line: I'm not comfortable being alone. I grew up lonely as an only child with few friends.....and now I am seriously contemplating coming out to the big old gay world where youth and physical fitness are emphasized.......of which I am in neither category.
Fear.....that is what I am feeling lately. Fear of the unknown....fear of being alone....fear of not finding meaningful happiness.....FEAR.UGGGGGGG!!!!!!
Any suggestions Damaged Vows??? I need some practical advice.....and a friend that understands.
Well let me just say, as much as I wish I knew you, I don't. I am in Nebraska...Wow how that opens me up more then anonymous. I don't like to do this at all. I see how you are seeking attention right now though and I want to clarify a few things for you.
I am female. I have cheated on my husband with another woman. I have been married for almost as long as you have. I was married to a wonderful man. Let me just say that we have issues. There have always been issues and even though he is a wonderful man, he isn't perfect. In fact, I have used the issues that we have had and the things I know he needs to change, to help propel me into my affair. I see that in hindsight, but then I didn't. We don't have kids...but that's another issue altogether, and at this point, thank God.
Life passes us by when we aren't paying attention, I have heard said so many times. Well I have to say I have felt like life has passed me by and it wasn't until I met who I will call my "passion" that I understood the entire meaning of that phrase. When I met my passion it hit me like a whirlwind. I felt things I hadn't felt in years or ever before. I was scared, happy, sad, excited, everything all at once. I could think of every excuse why it needed to stop and every excuse as to why I deserved for it to continue. Oh the excuses I made for myself. It makes me sick now. I realized much later that it was an obsession rather then an actual love. Oh how many hours of therapy and life lessons it has taken for me to get to that point!!!!
WOW, getting far too personal here, I just want to say that I have been where you are. I can clearly see you are infatuated with this DCG that you have blogged about. I also clearly see that you are CO-DEPENDENT. It's a scary word. Something I have been confronted with many times over the past few years. If you don't already know or even if you do, I would suggest picking up some reading material on the subject. I think you and DCG are in a very unhealthy circle and you are the one who will get hurt....bc you think you feel one way about him and he does you, but really he only cares about him!
I hear you talk about how you don't want to be lonely....god how many times have I said that to myself. But are you not lonelier with him then without. Really!!!!? Think about it for a minute....at what point have you ever felt SECURE in that relationship? You can't because of the type of man he is and the type you are. It won't work, as bad as you want it to, it just won't. You won't take my word for it though...you will only learn the hard way. It's the way we are. Us co-dependent's will hold on forever...until we are kicked so far to the curb, there is no other way to go!!!
I have told you that you need to be honest. I think you have started to be that way...as you say...peeking through the door. But honestly....you haven't even begun. You give the impression...or maybe it's just because I know myself....that you have told half truths. Such as...you say you have "come out" to your wife...but does she know the "WHOLE" story. Does she know how many times you have cheated on her? Does she know you are planning the move? Does she know the honesty of your soul? I would guess no. I didn't tell my other half either. Only I had the whole truth...not anyone else. I had told some of the story to some and some of the story to others...but no one else had the whole story!
I have to run....My other half is here....short computer time....I will finish later....thanks, damaged vows
Ok, false alarm...I have to watch this as I still am not completely honest with my own relationship. And it's much easier to give advice then it is to take....and I know you understand that, because you have never taken the advice of your friends on here at all.
I took a moment for myself to go back and read your last comment. Some of which made me angry. I have to wonder why you say you are not youthful, bc you tend to act like you are. The I don't want to be alone stuff....
"Honestly....I am scared to make a major move without the support of someone like DCG. I will need someone to give me the moral and emotional support to help me make this transistion. Maybe I should just "suck it up" and just leave.
And what...go home to an empty apartment to where I can isolate myself and lead to a Major Depression?"
Part of me wants to say...GROW UP! This is not how life is. You can view life this way and yes certainly you can put yourself into a depression thinking this way, but you need to start stepping out of the box and looking at the bigger picture of it all. It's like you have chosen this hour glass to concentrate on and that's all you know. There is a whole world outside of this hour glass.
Long and short of it is, I have made many many mistakes. I have burned bridges I wish I hadn't. I have kept bridges open that I definitely shouldn't have. I have made many bad choices in my life. This blog has been helpful to me...because it helps me to see the importance of HONESTY! I am seeing you and it's like looking into a mirror. I said once before, I am you....how interesting that you would be male. I pictured you differently at first.
I will pray for honesty in our paths we choose to take. I will pray for the resolve to face the consequences of our actions. I will pray for the mercy that our souls will need when we do finally "come clean". I will pray. That's what we both need. PRAYER. I hope we continue to keep each other accountable...I need that in my own life right now. All my best, good luck moving on....Damaged Vows
Dear Damaged Vows -
Nebraska eh? Then you at least know the conservative "Heartland" values that I grew up with in the cornfields of Iowa.
You say you know me...that you are me. I beg to differ greatly!!!! While we both may be married the biggest differences is that I have young children that I love with all my heart. It is going to literally KILL me to walk out on them....but that is what I am planning to do.
My wife and I had another blow out last night. I told her that I am going to go to professional counseling at my church. Honestly, I don't think my motivation to change is there.
I am giving it to the end of this month. Basically I am buying time to try to get more financially stable so I can afford to move out.
I talked to my ex-boss last night for nearly an hour. She is currently going through a divorce also so she knows what I am about to face. She advised me to take DCG out of the picture. I cannot and should not depend on him. This has to be my decision and my decision alone. I accept that.
I would agree with your assessment that I have co-dependency features. I am probably co-dependent with my wife also, thus that is why it is taking me so long to get fed up enough to leave.
DCG and I have talked recently. I don't really believe that he is happy in his current situation. He has settled for complacentcy, just as I have. We have been comfortable in our relationships to not make a major move.
Around March 1st, barring Divine Intervention, I will be moving to an apartment in the area. I will be leaving my wife and children for destinations unknown. In addition, I will also be forced to cut total ties with DCG as it is not fair to JJ for us to continue this friendship behind his back. That will hurt me.......and hurt me greatly. As much as I don't have alot of respect for JJ, he is still a human being, worthy of some honesty....honesty that DCG is not giving him.
I would agree that DCG and I have different views on our friendship. Heck, I told the man that I loved him within two weeks of meeting. That is SOOOO wrong. It reflects poor judgment on my part.
My evil twin surfaces from time to time. While I would never intentionally hurt DCG, I am not in a position emotionally to deal with his mindgames. I have enough ammunition to make his current relationship with JJ a living hell....as he does me. "Vengence is mine, says the Lord". I just hope and PRAY that I am not another victim of a cunning and seductive individual. I've dealt with one person that is narcissistic....I don't need to be involved with another.
Grow up you say....I would tend to agree. It has been said that divorce is like a death....I am mourning currently.
The bottom line is that while DCG and I appear close on the surface, we honestly don't know one another in depth. Choices have to be made and soon, otherwise I will be "Moving On" without him. I cannot be a distraction for him and he can't be one for me.
I don't have high and lofty expectations if, and its a BIG IF, DCG and I get together. There are no guarantees in this short vapor of what is called life.
Being very analytically minded, if I meant absolutely NOTHING to DCG,then why is he continuing to speak to me, while at the same time risking his current relationship with JJ (who still is unemployed for over four months. I think JJ needs to "grow up" a little too and not be sponging off of DCG!!!) DCG needs to step up to that plate and make a decision....one that he has been avoiding for a long time....on the future of his relationship with JJ. We BOTH can't have it both ways....it is not fair to our current partners. This is HONESTY in its most brutal form.
My current mood is that of anger. I apologize in advance if it seems I am coming off as a jerk. I just feel that I am being played for a fool. I am being toyed with by DCG....and that is just WRONG!!!!
While this response was all about me....what about you? You are cheating on your husband....what are YOU going to do about it???
Confrontation is not my best quality...I am usually laid back. But at 43, with my life statistically half over, I am tired of settling for confortable.
"I want to live again" was the phrase from George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life"....and that is what I want....to be happy and fulfilled. If that includes DCG in some capacity in my life...or some other person. It's a big old world out there....and I can't be fixated on just one person.
Anyway...enough of my rambling. I am tired of these comment postings. If you want a more real dialogue, email me at restoredvows@yahoo.com
RV or Moving On
Moving on,
It has been a hard road for you. I feel for you. I truly do. I told you before that I am you, but that my situation wasn't exactly like yours. You are right! I don't have kids and I can only imagine how difficult that will make all of this for you.
But honey, you are still not being honest with yourself, your lover, or your wife and family!!! (If I could make this point bold I would!)
You are so caught up in this OBSESSION with this DGC guy that you can't see what we are all reading on here. I don't know the guy, but I would venture to say.... hell yeah he's Narcissistic! He has used what you have been willing to give him...your body, your emotions, and your self worth! You are harping on this JJ guy, who you have decided is a horrible guy due to his lack of having a job, because he is an easy target. You blame him for standing in your way at what you perceive as true love. Honey, if you really had true love, then he would have broken it off a long time ago and there would never have been 3 in your relationship! He is a CHEATER! He has his cake in JJ and you are giving him the icing. And from what I hear here, you are not willing to be only icing! My opinion is that you are worth more then icing! He doesn't care about YOU! He probably doesn't care about JJ either, just likes that he constantly has someone at his beck and call. You say you work in the mental health field, so you should know what the traits are of a Narcissist. If you don't I suggest you look it up again so you can see. I bet he will fit 9 out of 10!
You are not being honest with yourself, because you know that this guy doesn't love you. You are so desperate for affection though that you are clinging on to him for dear life! If you were honest with yourself then you'd be able to admit that he doesn't love you and that you don't love him either. Now that is truth in your face. It's so hard to hear...but you are NOT in love with him. You like the idea of what you think he may represent to you. Happiness with a man, who appreciates you for you, who gets you and feels your pain, your happiness, your every soul wrenching thirst for life. You have made him to be more then he truly is. You are worth more then this!!!
Oh God, you are so me, and I you! I can say this with such conviction, because I have been there! I wasn't joking when I told you I had my own obsession. You asked me what I was going to do about my own situation...I am not currently cheating. I have or rather am trying to rectify things with my husband. I have put him through a lot. He's not perfect, but he didn't deserve to be lied to or cheated on.
Do I think that you can rectify things with your wife like I have with my husband? Honestly, at this point, no. I don't think you want to and I don't think that you are willing to give up your needs for some of hers right now. However, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be honest with her. I don't think you have been completely and totally...no secrets honest with her at all. I'm sure you have given her some clues and that you are justifying it all some how. But none of this is ok. You haven't told her your true feelings about not wanting to give up your "extra curricular" activites. You have not told her that you are leaving. In fact you have stated that you are buying time so that you can prepare financially. WHAT ABOUT HER? Doesn't she deserve the same time to prepare? Doesn't she deserve the opportunity to set something up for herself and your children? Yes she has faults, but she really is the victim in all of this. I'm sorry....her and your children are really the victims here. She is working off the assumption that you have made a life long committment to her. That you have vowed to love, HONOR, and pledge your devotion to her. None of which you are currently doing.
Yes you are in a horrible situation. Yes you are probably stressed beyond belief. Yes you deserve to be happy! Your happiness will come at a cost to your entire family, but at least give everyone, including yourself, the right to do it all in HONESTY! Stop being selfish and self-centered!
My heart goes out to you. I remember where I have been in my own life this past year. I know the struggles you face are mounting. I know you feel like you are climbing a uphill battle field and you are getting tired!!! Please know that there is relief. There is shelter. God has provided people in your life of which you depend for support. You mentioned you have an "exboss" as of late, but you also seem to have several on here that you have turned to. I don't have all the answers, but this I do know: 1. We teach people how we want to be treated. 2. Honesty really is the best policy. and 3. God never closes a door without opening one or more for us to walk through!
This feels like life or death situation to you right now, but it's not. You will be ok. Your wife will be ok. Your children will be ok. Even this jerk you think you love will be ok. He will land on his feet, rest assured! He's not going to leave JJ and you don't have a right to ask him to as he doesn't have the same feelings you do about him. You've taught him how to treat you. He uses you, because you allow it to happen. Take your friend's advice, leave him out of your picture. You say you have accepted that, but I don't think so. Honey, you are worth more then that! Don't teach him he can hurt you and it's ok. Don't try for revenge like you toy with in your last post either. That just shows that he in fact has the power over you that you are giving him. Turn around, run away from him, and never look back. It's the only way you are going to learn to appreciate you and the little child that just wants to be loved inside. It's time to be honest with everyone and start working on "moving on's" self worth.
Please try to remember these things again in your highest levels of stress, as it will help you gain some perspective!
1. We teach people how we want to be treated. 2. Honesty really is the best policy. and 3. God never closes a door without opening one or more for us to walk through!
And thank you for inviting me to email with you, but anonymous is how I'd like to stay. Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart here! I think you have done some good for a lot of people here adn I hope I have been able to help you a bit too. Good Luck moving on!
Damaged Vows
Dear Damaged Vows,
This is a note from someone else... not the author of this site... but a distant watcher... let's say - someone with very excellent computer skills.
It's important that you should know there is no such thing as being "truly" anonymous on the internet. While I am committed to protecting your identity for the sanctity of this conversation and just out of fairness -- I want to point out that lieing about your geography and identity isn't helping your argument.
You are clearly not in Nebraska. I know where you are; I'm not telling anyone; but your very near relative proximity to the author makes me wonder if there's a closer emotional connection here than you let on. I have not yet investigated "who" you are other than your basic geography *and* I don't intend to do that (in the end, I don't want to be liable for knowing).
Playing games with people during the hardest time of their life isn't cool and definitely isn't God's intent for his word to be used (as cited in some of your comments). I think if you're trying to weigh-in with moralistic arguments against his actions that you should come clean yourself with who you really are as well.
God said that all sin is sin.... there is no relative severity and there is no room for "it's ok to lie in this circumstance because I said so."
I don't completely disagree with many of the things you have said... that's not what I'm trying to say here... I'm just saying... it isn't exactly fair when you're lieing, is it?
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