To Damaged Vows
This is a posting to Damaged Vows --
You claim to want honesty, but in reality you are a liar just as I am. The person that co-created this blog is very computer literate and knowledgeable. I had him trace the where the comments and traffic to this blog, and the final assessment is that you are not in Nebraska. In fact, you are in the same state that I am located in. I think I am smelling a rat....
Using elements of deduction and common logic, there are two possibilities to your identity: 1) You are in fact DCG as mentioned in the "What Hurts the Most" posting of last month. He vehemently denies that these comments are coming from him. He says he doesn't write like that. However, DCG is not a stupid individual by far...more on him later. 2) The comments are from someone that knows me or I have been intimate with (sexual hookup). Whoever it is has been giving me the Mohammed Ali "rope a dope", backing me into the corner as I get pounded blow by blow. While there is anonymity in blogging, people should be at least honest.
DCG and I had a HUGE blow out yesterday. I was upset with him as I am assuming (and we all know what happens when you assume!!) that he has been the anonymous comments poster. I sent him a text message venting my frustration and said some things that spewed with hateful venom. I threatened him to disclose things to JJ, and made a personal character attack about his weight. I have been backed into a corner, and just as a rabid bull dog, I lashed out in exteme anger. There is no justification or "pound of flesh" for what I did. I was so PISSED at what Damaged Vows had said, that I lashed out at DCG. This doesn't make it right...it just is.
TO Diet Coke Guy (he has now returned to his addiction to 2 44oz drinks from Sonic....feeding his aspartane addiction going against medical advice (AMA)):
Here are some unsolicited thoughts for you:
You don't like to be confronted. As your friend, I have confronted you as well as you have confronted me....whether this is through the many phone calls or sharing my life via this blog. But you know in your heart that you have not been true to JJ for several months. He deserves better as does my wife. Damaged Vows.....this applies to you and your lieing to your husband or whoever. Quite frankly, I don't really care what you think.
I have to confess that I have been obsessed over DCG. It is not healthy and I know it. We have a lot of commonalities, and a close friendship that I cannot continue with him or he with me because of both of our current relationships. It is not fair to both of our partners and we both know it. From my perspective, DCG has settled for complacentcy in his current relationship with JJ. Is that really a fulfilling relationship or just a "marriage of convenience"? DCG is right: I have a hard time differentiating between a friendship and mutual genuine feelings. I have made many mistakes in my friendship with DCG, and I don't really know now that they are recoverable or not. I have to get over him and as was previous mentioned by Damaged Vows to move on....I cannot depend on him for anything except a distant friendship in an emergency. I got too close....I got too attached....I got too hurt.
Tonight, I am going to see a professional counselor through my church at $60 a session. I will also have an appointment with an ex-gay ministry in the area on Thursday. They have a support group that will meet afterwards that I plan on attending. I have been to enough Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous (as a guess mind you!!!!) that I know that some people are able to able to overcome their addiction and others "fall off the wagon" and come crawling back to the meetings after a "relapse". I was a substance abuse counselor for one year. I know the interaction between a person's motivation to change affects their continued sobriety or not. I am in the early stages, but if I feel that I am playing games and not serious about wanting to change, then I will have to be honest with myself and my family.
Honesty.....that is what I am wanting from Damaged Vows, DCG, and ultimately myself.
DCG.....I know without a doubt that you will be monitoring this blog and you know it. I will be posting the outcomes of my journey over the next few weeks as time allows. You know how to get a hold of me but you won't. You are forcing me to make the decision to leave my family and to come out on my own, with out you being a distraction. You are taking yourself out of my decision for my own good. I cannot place you in the equation because there is no "us"....there never was. There was only a close friendship for a few months that met both of our emotional needs. There is a lyric by one of my favorite Christian metal groups Stryper: "Am I alive or am I living?" Yes, I am alive....but am I fulfilled? I want guarantees in life and there are none. Life is too short to be living in the mundane. This applies to you, Damaged Vows, and to myself. I have trashed and labeled JJ as a loser. That is not a fair assessment of the man. He supposedly loves you greatly. He deserves the same from you in return. If you have the same feelings for him, great. If not, take the advice of the Damaged Vows....and move on. But know this.....I found you and I could find someone else if I get divorced. Don't come crawling to me when he breaks your heart again. We both have to make some hard decisions down the road....and we need to do it seperately....without the distraction of one another's inputs. You have been my best friend for the past few months....and it pains me to let you go...but I have to....for both of our sake (and sanity!!!!) Thanks for being there. I just hope if I leave my wife for unchartered waters, that I find someone with the same qualities as yourself.
Finally, to Damaged Vows. Quit lieing to me or even yourself. Be bold enough to a least open the dialogue with your husband....if that is what you have. Stop the lieing and be honest with yourself. It is only in brutal honesty that the healing and the change can begin. Life is a journey.....and I have only just begun the second phase of my life.
My best to Damaged Vows, DCG, and even to JJ. God knows we all need a strong dose of honesty in our relationships!!!!
Restored Vows
posted by Restored Vows @
8:17 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
curious how the wolves run to hide in the shadows when you call them by name, isn't it?
I will say this about our conversation yesterday and the events of late in your life:
1.) I can't believe you told her. I'm impressed by your honesty but at the same length; did you ever take any of my advice in trying to actually have an open and loving conversation with her before making this decision?
How about since telling her... has this opened-up any corridors of communication for you?
2.) I can't believe you told anyone else in your "real life" about this website. That I will call a mistake... #1 I believe is still undecided (and may always be).
3.) You've hinted at it a few times but have you yet truly identified your personal addiction? You are truly addicted to male physical interaction and affection (sex, and the concept of romantic love). It's always hardest to look at ourselves this way... but how can you ask God for help (or expect him to help) if you haven't even decided yet to identify a real problem; own up to it as a real problem; and be truly contrite in your actions?
I'm not turning into this other commenter here... but I do think you need to be truly sorry here before you should expect forgiveness from anyone. You say you're sorry dude, but your actions speak another language. This to me smells like true addiction. You do need help, which I think you realize by going to see a Christian counselor... but if he's not doing it for you... you need to find someone else.
The truth is the only thing that sets us free. Addiction? check out my latest post.
Of course, when we live in the closet, hiding our lives, the chance that we will act out in unhealthy ways is almost a given.
But addiction can be very real, and there are ways, and groups to help with that.
Shalom, go gently with yourself.
Joe.
http://mindthebear.blogspot.com
Joe//Bear
Thanks for your input. It is amazing how this process is so difficult. Maybe I am making it harder on myself. There is so much doubt, self-hating, low self-esteem, etc that I am currently dealing with. And then trying to reconcile your faith that teaches us that it is "sinful", shameful, etc is not an easy task. It seems like alot of guys that I have talked to have either chunked thier faith all together or have compartmentalized their gay life from their religious convictions. As a mental health professional, that is called disssociation. And is not a good thing.....
I am a few years younger than you at 43. We only have one shot at life, and I am tired of living in complacency in my own marriage.
If there life after 40 in the gay world?? I honestly don't know. Am I willing to chunk my wife and kids to find out....maybe. They will be taken care of financially, which has been my major concern since my revelation to her on New Years.
I have alot of stuff to think about. I am doing this on my own. I appreciate your input Joe. Like I stated, I am you!
How is the depression doing? Please consider seeing your Dr. for medication and maybe see a professional counselor....it should work. I lived in the frozen regions of Alaska for four years....I know how the cold and lack of sunlight can affect your mood.
Thanks for the encouragement to be "go gently with yourself". I have beat myself up over this issue for SOOOO long. Quite frankly I am tired of it. We both are from an era where we have change in how society views gay people. It has changed....but the question remains: where do I fit in the gay world? Please stand by......
RV
Of course people are going to hide when you threaten to break the anonymity that one should be able to have when they post as such! Just because you don't like the content on ones posts don't make them untrue. Really too bad you don't allow people to voice their opinions and stories in a safe manner here. Oh and to our "computer expert"....there is such a thing as diverting one's IP address so as not to allow one to locate another! Good Luck in life to all of you!
Anonymous aka Damaged Vows -
What anonymity? Have I disclosed anything of a direct personal nature? Have I posted your IP address for the world to see? Rather, have I done my own detective work in a effort to distinquish lies from the truth.
This was the heart of the postings for the past two months: truth. Borrowing a line from the movie, "A Few Good Men" -- Tom Cruise: "I want the truth"....Jack Nicholson: "You can't handle the truth!".
No dear Damaged Vows, I can accept the truth. I can accept the fact that DCG will never leave JJ because he is co-dependent in that his relationship is considered an "open marriage". I can accept the fact that I probably got used by a very cunning individual that I let myself spin out of control due to my own needs of a close friend. What I can't accept is someone blatantly lieing to me. For what I ask? For my own good?
There is a lot of circumstantial evidence that points to one direction.
If the Anonymous postings are not from DCG, then whoever you are evidently has an "ax to grind" with myself.
Check out the lyrics to "The trouble with lies" posting from last year. I am SOOOO tired of people lieing and manipulating situations for their own benefit.
"I want answers...."...."No I want the truth".
RV
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