My Journey, part 1

Last night, I attended my first meeting with the gay-related Christian ministry. I had an intake with one of the co-pastor's known as B. B has an interesting story.

B was/is gay. In fact he had a partner for seven years. He is now married and in his late 30's. He has 2.5 kids (his wife is currently pregnant). Being from an analytically and skeptical frame of mind, I asked the hard questions. B said that the goal was not to make "gay people straight" but to assist those who struggle with a safe place to vent their frustrations and needs. He was honest enough to tell me that the "success" rate was about 33% -- so in other words the stats are stacked against me already!! This intake was not for individual counseling, but it was to see the appropiateness of attending a support group that was held last night. B asked me what I wanted to get out of the group, and I told him that I really didn't know. I wanted to know if someone could actually change their orientation (I don't think you can) or are they just using behavior modification (B-Mod for you psych type folks!) to change their outward behaviors. I told him that if I came across a similar guy, that was married as I am, and is still struggling/cheating on the side, with no apparent "victory" that I might as well get the process rolling on moving out and seeing a lawyer. The session ended with a quick prayer, and a trip across the street to the church.

I had to check in via a laptop computer. There was a mixture of both young men and women hanging out in the foyer section. I eventually went into the what looked like the choir rehersal area, waiting for the service to start. Some of the people started to file in. I have recognized some of them from their pictures on the popular website that I chat on. I was just hoping and praying that I didn't run into anyone that I have chatted with....or God-forbid...that I have slept with. That would be mega uncomfortable.

I sat behind this 20-something blond guy who sat next to some girl about his age. This guy was cute.....can you say that in a church setting that is supposed to be focusing on God and restoration?? Anyway...I digress....

The meeting started off with singing and a praise/worship time. Then B lead a small devotional time about the names of God. "Jehovah Jireh" -- our provider. He also spoke about the story of Abraham and Isaac and the sacrifice on the altar. He discussed how Abraham was about to sacrifice his own son on the altar. He talked about how Abraham 1) got up, 2) cut the wood that would potentially burn/cremate his only son, 3) and traveled to an area that God had told him to go to. (Gen 22). The point being it takes obedience to follow God, even when the outcome is not exactly clear. Abraham had no idea that God would provide the lamb when he cut the wood and prepared Isaac to be sacrificed. Ok....so I learned a good Bible lesson. How does that affect my struggle with being gay?

After the Bible lesson, we broke up into seperate groups. Men vs Women. Then the men were further divided into 26 and under (Bye-Bye cute blond guy) and over 26. They talked about a recent softball tourney they had and how some felt for the first time feeling adequate because they were in a group that was not going to be ridiculed for not being a "jock" or throwing the ball like a "girl". Next week they were going to have a basketball game. Ok....that part will be kind of cool.

Then we broke down into smaller group to share and have some accountability for our week. There was a couple of gay married guys that was there that shared. One guy is doing "better" without hooking up. The other guy was hanging on by a thin thread, as he has had weekly hookups and I saw the pain in his eyes. His wife has no clue about his true self....because he keeps this part of his life a secret. He is going here because he told her that he "struggles".....

Of course, the other group a few feet away was also sharing. There was this guy that was there, probably early to mid 30's (I could never be one of those people at the state fair that guesses your age....I'd be giving away all of the stuffed Sponge Bob dolls with a wrong guess!!!) Anyway....it sounded like he is in a similar situation as myself. It sounded like his wife wants some "answers" and he talked about the possibility of moving out of his house soon. Trust me, I will be talking to him next week.

The meeting got over about 10:15pm. I headed home and stopped by for some quick fast food on the way home. My wife and family were already in bed. Of course, I had the opportunity to get online and I did to my favorite website to chat with the other gay/bi guys. I got IM'd by a bi-married guy who lives in another suburb. He liked my smile by my picture. He is 42, and has a grown son. He had to cut the chat short because his wife was up and stirring....my MO for the past few years. I logged off around 12:30pm or so and headed to bed in my son's room on the twin bed.

More next week.....stay tuned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unrelated entertainment news: Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday. What a tragic end of an outwardly beautiful woman. I think she had alot of emotional damaged over the loss of her son Daniel last year.

It kind of put life into perspective: We only have one shot at life. I am not going to live life in complacency anymore. I am tired of the lies and the self loathing. If I come out gay, I will definitely be seeking out help in this process.

I text messaged DCG yesterday relaying the news about Anna Nicole. He replied with a short "I know". I know deep down that I have hurt him with my comments. The Proverbs state that the tongue has the ability to give life or death. How true that statement is.....we can lift someone up by our words or cut them down just by our words. We all remember the childhood saying that "sticks and stones can break our bones, but words will never hurt us"......that is a lie. We have been hurt by others words. Whether that is someone saying a slur as the controversy over the "F" word from the "Grey's Anatomy" fiasco......words can hurt. I have hurt not only my wife over the past few months but also the friend that I had in DCG.

"Life and Death is in the power of the tongue"......how true that is!!!!

RV