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This is a place for married men with a love for God and Christian faith to talk about and support one another about homosexual desires, needs, and activities.

 


HE DIED FOR US!

Friday, February 02, 2007

"what hurts the most, pt 2"

It seems ironic that the previous posting that I used this song to clarify my thoughts and feelings for DCG, and did not have a second thought about my wife. That is a sad testament on my current marriage.

My wife, that I will call "Nin".....a nickname her family gave her back in her youth. We have been married currently for 14.5 years. I met Nin in 1991 when I saw her at a local A/G church. She was a very pretty young woman. Some people compared her to a young Amy Grant....with long brunette hair. She still looks good to this day when she fixes herself up.

When Nin and I met, she had just been through a horrific thing that happened in her life: she was raped. Subsequently, she became pregnant. One of her convictions is that abortion was not an option, so she carried the baby to full term and she gave it up to adoption via a large Christian ministry focusing on pregnant girls or women who have substance abuse problems. It had only been less than a year that she went through this when we met at church.

My dating experiences were very limited. Shyness, acne, and low self esteem kept me from dating. Through the coaxing of a friend, I asked her out. We dated for close to six months. Most of our dates were centered around the church and single's group activities. We did some other things like concerts and a waterpark, but the church was the center of our activities.

We got married in 1992. I was 28 and she was 24. While we did consummate our marriage on the wedding night, it did take some prompting. Our first son was born in 1994. I was the proudest father. I had a son. He was a very happy little boy...he didn't cry or fuss much. To this day he still has a good personality. Our second son was born in 1996. When he was 15 months old, he had to have heart surgery to repair his aorta. I was very stressed and worried that my son was going to die. I wanted both of my children. I cut the ambilical cord on both of them and was in the delivery room when both of them were born. My oldest son didn't start speaking until 3 1/4 years old due to chronic ear infections. As a father, the only words I wanted to hear was that "Daddy, I love you"....that didn't happen until he got drainage tubes put in his ears. He is now a very talkative 12 year old.

Nin is a very good mother. However, she is a little high strung and gets stressed out too easily. Our marriage started going down hill when I was in the military. In 1997, I was able to change jobs in the military and became a mental health paraprofessional. Nin said that was when our marriage changed....I tend to disagree.

Historically, I am a very laid back and mellow person. I get that from my father who lives in Iowa. I don't get upset very often or mad. It takes alot to provoke me. However, I can be very stubborn at times.

I told Nin on New Years that I thought our marriage was a huge mistake. I take that back now: it produced two very special children that I will have to leave if I leave my wife for the unknown waters of the gay world. I write this with a lump in my throat....I love my kids...it is just my wife I am not too thrilled about right now.

"What hurts the most was being so close...." Nin and I were close. We have our moments...even now after my revelation.

She will probably be the only woman that I will ever love. She is a remarkable woman with the resilience that few could fathom. Not many woman would have done what she did and came out stronger for it. This is probably why it is so hard to put her through the pain of a divorce.

Restored Vows or just Moving On.....

"Vanity, vanity, ...all is vanity".....The Proverbs

God help me!!!!!!!!

RV

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are moving on...you just can't admit it as that would mean you have to take RESPONSIBILITY for something in your life! I believe you will make that choice, because you are miserable without it. But you will make sure that you blame her or someone else for the move, rather then taking responsibility for your own actions, owning them, and standing firm in them...like and adult!

2/03/2007 10:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous above - I disagree...

When did our author exercise lack of responsibility?

He said he didn't like the woman who his wife seems to be today... he didn't say it was her fault.

it's so easy to sit in your chair and exercise judgement, eh? I enjoy a very happy "straight" life with my beautiful, loving, and caring wife and my kids... but I will be the last person to offer judgment against our author for his decisions or actions thus far.

Don't you think it would be more selfish for him to stay in a relationship that he's not committed to and wear a faccade for his kids that they could always see through? Kids are smart!!! They know you better than anyone else and they know when you're faking it. That wouldn't be fair or right for anyone!

I'm proud of RV for being honest with his wife about his feelings. I pray that this opens doors of love and free conversation for both of them (him and his wife) that have been shut for years. That's how God works. They may even end-up in a nasty Divorce... but they may very well be better parents and maybe even better friends for all of it in the end. You don't know, and neither do I... all we can do is pray.

Remember: Judge not...

because last I checked, no human was perfect and free of sin... including me and you. So let our sin unite us in the Glory of God instead of dividing us as the enemy would wish it to do. Let it help us strengthen one-another and raise each-other up!

2/05/2007 01:41:00 PM  

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One day, some people met who shared a common interest and a common problem.  Some of them lived far away from one another, and others in the same town.  All of them were married, had families and people they loved, and loved God and Jesus.  All of them had a common issue to tackle:  They are gay or bisexual but choose to respect God and their vows of marriage and the love of their family over their sexual desires.  Every day they must wake up and face a new day of choices and always make the right choices. 

Many times we fail, but always we try again to please the Lord.  Are you one of us?  Help us by helping yourself.  This is a place where you can be safe, anonymous, and completely open about your feelings and needs.  Share with us, and in sharing, heal and grow.


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  • "What Hurts the Most"
  • "My Immortal"
  • "What's Left of Me"
  • Friends.......
  • Everybody Hurts.......
  • Boston's "Long Time"
  • I still believe.....
  • That's what love is for...
  • Bridge over troubled waters.....
  • U2's Bono and DATA
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  • Exodus 15:26 (NIV)
    He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."