"what hurts the most, pt 2"

It seems ironic that the previous posting that I used this song to clarify my thoughts and feelings for DCG, and did not have a second thought about my wife. That is a sad testament on my current marriage.

My wife, that I will call "Nin".....a nickname her family gave her back in her youth. We have been married currently for 14.5 years. I met Nin in 1991 when I saw her at a local A/G church. She was a very pretty young woman. Some people compared her to a young Amy Grant....with long brunette hair. She still looks good to this day when she fixes herself up.

When Nin and I met, she had just been through a horrific thing that happened in her life: she was raped. Subsequently, she became pregnant. One of her convictions is that abortion was not an option, so she carried the baby to full term and she gave it up to adoption via a large Christian ministry focusing on pregnant girls or women who have substance abuse problems. It had only been less than a year that she went through this when we met at church.

My dating experiences were very limited. Shyness, acne, and low self esteem kept me from dating. Through the coaxing of a friend, I asked her out. We dated for close to six months. Most of our dates were centered around the church and single's group activities. We did some other things like concerts and a waterpark, but the church was the center of our activities.

We got married in 1992. I was 28 and she was 24. While we did consummate our marriage on the wedding night, it did take some prompting. Our first son was born in 1994. I was the proudest father. I had a son. He was a very happy little boy...he didn't cry or fuss much. To this day he still has a good personality. Our second son was born in 1996. When he was 15 months old, he had to have heart surgery to repair his aorta. I was very stressed and worried that my son was going to die. I wanted both of my children. I cut the ambilical cord on both of them and was in the delivery room when both of them were born. My oldest son didn't start speaking until 3 1/4 years old due to chronic ear infections. As a father, the only words I wanted to hear was that "Daddy, I love you"....that didn't happen until he got drainage tubes put in his ears. He is now a very talkative 12 year old.

Nin is a very good mother. However, she is a little high strung and gets stressed out too easily. Our marriage started going down hill when I was in the military. In 1997, I was able to change jobs in the military and became a mental health paraprofessional. Nin said that was when our marriage changed....I tend to disagree.

Historically, I am a very laid back and mellow person. I get that from my father who lives in Iowa. I don't get upset very often or mad. It takes alot to provoke me. However, I can be very stubborn at times.

I told Nin on New Years that I thought our marriage was a huge mistake. I take that back now: it produced two very special children that I will have to leave if I leave my wife for the unknown waters of the gay world. I write this with a lump in my throat....I love my kids...it is just my wife I am not too thrilled about right now.

"What hurts the most was being so close...." Nin and I were close. We have our moments...even now after my revelation.

She will probably be the only woman that I will ever love. She is a remarkable woman with the resilience that few could fathom. Not many woman would have done what she did and came out stronger for it. This is probably why it is so hard to put her through the pain of a divorce.

Restored Vows or just Moving On.....

"Vanity, vanity, ...all is vanity".....The Proverbs

God help me!!!!!!!!

RV