My Journey, pt 2: an end and a beginning

Last night was a late night as I went to my gay Christian meeting (not necessarily ex-gay). However, I was not in the best of moods. Earlier this week, I wrote an email to DCG about his relationship with JJ. Now granted, they have an "open relationship" and an "understanding" that I don't exactly grasp. I received an email from the TROLL (fellow blogger) stating that three out of four gay relationships have some degree of openness. I didn't know this fact. Anyway, I sent the email to DCG who became very angry at me. I guess both DCG and JJ have the same email address (so I was told) and JJ received and read the email. I emphasized that this was THEIR relationship, but from an outside observer, they were looking for a way to end their relationship. I confronted DCG....and maybe he wasn't ready to hear it. Regardless, I pissed him off royally to where he didn't want me to contact him, call him, or email him again. In other words, I hit a nerve. It is amazing how we can be defensive when we are confronted by the truth. My goal was for them to open up the lines of communication and honesty within their own relationship. I am at least trying to be honest (to some degree....I have disclosed my secret to my wife....that is a start). This has been the theme for the past two months: Honesty.

DCG called me back the next day and apologized for cursing me out. He did tell me that it opened up the lines of communication between JJ and him. However, it did cost me a close friendship. DCG does not want anything to do with me currently. He said I have hurt him too badly. That I am similar to a batterer who says they are sorry but soon returns to the same pattern of abuse. He may be right to some extent. I ruined a friendship with "the Big Goof" in 2005 over similar situation. For now, if I decide to get divorced and live the gay life, then I will have to do that without the assistance and support of DCG or JJ. I made my bed....now I have to live with consequences of my actions. DCG did state that we were friends. I am just sorry to have lost a close friend. I still do care for him, but we both need some honesty in our relationships.....something that we BOTH have not been doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Support group feedback:

Last night had the teaching of "Homo 101". I wrote down a few notes. So here it goes:

The example was for a male child. We are born. From ages 0-3 we primarily bond with our mothers who is our primary caregiver. Boys are divided in two categories: 3% are sensitive and 97% are more "rough and tumble". From ages 4-10, our bonding should be with the same sex gender. Whether that is having a "best friend" or bonding with the same sex parent. The same sex parent needs to give their child the three A's: Affirmation, Attention, and Affection. (This is something that I am seriously lacking in providing for my 10-year old son). Because if there is no bonding with a friend or the same sex parent, the sensitive child will bond to the opposite sex parent, causing some damage to his masculinity. (Bear in mind, I am no expert in this area, and the presenter explained it far better that I can in a blog, but you are getting the Reader's Digest version of the meeting.)

As the child gets older, there can be woundings from either sexual abuse or peer rejection. I am a new mental health professional. I have learned recently that there are three levels of abuse: Emotional, Physical, and Sexual. The Gock, the co-author of this blog, was physically abused by his alcoholic father (See Jan 26, 2006 posting of "the boy in the corner"....it will break your heart what he endured). Finally, sexual abuse is, by far, the most damaging. I was sexually abused at age 15 by my mother's alcoholic, bi boyfriend. It left me confused, embarassed, and ashamed. In other words, the damage done by sexual abuse, by far, outweighs emotional abuse or physical abuse.

I thought it has some validity. I'm not saying that I totally agree with everything and we all know that this scenario won't fit everyone's situation, but I could see where it may apply to some who struggle with gay issues.

This is a difficult subject to try to flesh out. Bear in mind, you, the reader, might think that I am grasping at straws, and just need to come out and be done with it. Maybe so.....but for now, I am at least trying. I attend a support group that is non-judgmental. There are married and single men and women who struggle with these issues. At least I am directly addressing the issue at hand. Again, this is my journey. I am not saying I have arrived or am "cured"....I am not. Honestly, maybe I am just buying time.....God knows the motivation of my heart better than I do.

Borrowing a phrase from my AA friends..."One day at a time". There was a lyric to a Christian group, "First Call" in the early 90's that read: "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future". I believe that to be true whichever pathway I choose to follow.

To Anonymous/Damaged Vows: Recognize that I am going through a VERY difficult time in my life right now. I have just lost a close friend in DCG, and my marriage is currently rocky. If I have personally done harm to you in anyway, I apologize. I emplore you to examine your own relationship in light of TRUTH. I am not saying this to be judgmental....I have screwed up two friendships by my hurtful remarks and clingy behaviors. It doesn't make it right...it just is.

Thanks for letting me share....your comments are more than welcome.

Restored Vows