Moved Out.....

Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin

A child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking before I knew it and as he grew
He said, "I’m gonna be like you, Dad,You know I’m gonna be like you"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin home, Son,
I don’t know when,But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

My son turned ten just the other day
He said "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on lets play
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,I got a lot to do"
He said "Thats okay"And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said "I’m gonna be like him, yeahYou know I’m going to be like him"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then,
You know we'll have a good time then.

Well he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say,"Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then.

I’ve long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said "Id like to see you if you don’t mind"
He said "Id love to Dad, if I could find the time.You see my new jobs a hassle, and the kids have the flu.But
It's sure nice talking to you, Dad,It's been sure nice talking to you........"
And as I hung up the phone it had occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me,My boy was just like me..............

And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I dont know when,
But we'll get together then, Dad
We're gonna have a good time then.

The cats in the craddle and the silver spoon
Little boy grew with the man on the moon
When you comin home, Son, I don't know when,
We're gonna have a good time then.

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This past weekend I moved out of my home. My wife helped me move to an apartment about six blocks from my home. At the advisement of her Christian counselor, I had to tell my 10 and 12 year old boys that their Daddy had violated his marriage vows, that I have hurt their mother, and that I was moving out this weekend.

Does any gay father know exactly the pain and the agony that I just put my kids through. As part of the stipulations, they were not allowed to ask me any direct questions. So I dropped a bomb and I left my home. That night I attended a support group for gay fathers. I was going nuts and needed the support of other guys who have been in the same situation as I have.

On Saturday, we shipped the boys off to my sister in laws, and we loaded up our pickup truck with the majority of my possessions. We dropped by a yard sale, and bought a love seat so my apartment wouldn't totally be empty. I have not been alone for over 14 years, so the silence of my new apartment was deafening. My access to the outside world, via the internet, has been temporarily cut off as I don't have a computer at home. I have my cell phone to get for communication, and I have a 1983 color TV, but no cable to record my favorite shows. Needless to say, this is an adjustment.........and it is NOT fun!!!

A new friend encouraged me to read the lyrics of the above song. That is SO me. I have been a jerk for a father. I have been so selfish and self-centered, that I have let the relationship with my children slide. This is not right. I have been wrong. Now is it too late? I don't really know......Dear God, I hope not!!!!! I love my children more than my own life, and there is nothing that I would not do for them. But I have been distracted......over finding out who I am and interfering in someone else's relationship. I have not been the father that I need to be.....and it REALLY sucks right now. My wife is SOOOO pissed at me. She sounds very hateful. It amazes me that the essense of Christianity is supposed to be love, and I see nothing but hate from her towards me. I messed up.....I have sinned....but don't crucify me in the process.

I am back to work......trying to help our nation's veteran's process their guilt over what they did in the war that they fought in. If I was very open with them, I am in no better shape then the clients that sit in the chair a few feet from me. The only difference is that I have a degree and am Licensed by my state to be classified as a "Professional".

I think it was a line from "Ferris Beuhler's Day Off" that states that "Life moves pretty fast". That is so true. It was just a few years ago, I was helping my wife change diapers and feeding my kids their bottle. Now they have a father that they barely know.....I need more time.

"The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon....."

PLEASE pray for me or drop me an email:

restoredvows@yahoo.com

RV

My Journey, pt 2: an end and a beginning

Last night was a late night as I went to my gay Christian meeting (not necessarily ex-gay). However, I was not in the best of moods. Earlier this week, I wrote an email to DCG about his relationship with JJ. Now granted, they have an "open relationship" and an "understanding" that I don't exactly grasp. I received an email from the TROLL (fellow blogger) stating that three out of four gay relationships have some degree of openness. I didn't know this fact. Anyway, I sent the email to DCG who became very angry at me. I guess both DCG and JJ have the same email address (so I was told) and JJ received and read the email. I emphasized that this was THEIR relationship, but from an outside observer, they were looking for a way to end their relationship. I confronted DCG....and maybe he wasn't ready to hear it. Regardless, I pissed him off royally to where he didn't want me to contact him, call him, or email him again. In other words, I hit a nerve. It is amazing how we can be defensive when we are confronted by the truth. My goal was for them to open up the lines of communication and honesty within their own relationship. I am at least trying to be honest (to some degree....I have disclosed my secret to my wife....that is a start). This has been the theme for the past two months: Honesty.

DCG called me back the next day and apologized for cursing me out. He did tell me that it opened up the lines of communication between JJ and him. However, it did cost me a close friendship. DCG does not want anything to do with me currently. He said I have hurt him too badly. That I am similar to a batterer who says they are sorry but soon returns to the same pattern of abuse. He may be right to some extent. I ruined a friendship with "the Big Goof" in 2005 over similar situation. For now, if I decide to get divorced and live the gay life, then I will have to do that without the assistance and support of DCG or JJ. I made my bed....now I have to live with consequences of my actions. DCG did state that we were friends. I am just sorry to have lost a close friend. I still do care for him, but we both need some honesty in our relationships.....something that we BOTH have not been doing.
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Support group feedback:

Last night had the teaching of "Homo 101". I wrote down a few notes. So here it goes:

The example was for a male child. We are born. From ages 0-3 we primarily bond with our mothers who is our primary caregiver. Boys are divided in two categories: 3% are sensitive and 97% are more "rough and tumble". From ages 4-10, our bonding should be with the same sex gender. Whether that is having a "best friend" or bonding with the same sex parent. The same sex parent needs to give their child the three A's: Affirmation, Attention, and Affection. (This is something that I am seriously lacking in providing for my 10-year old son). Because if there is no bonding with a friend or the same sex parent, the sensitive child will bond to the opposite sex parent, causing some damage to his masculinity. (Bear in mind, I am no expert in this area, and the presenter explained it far better that I can in a blog, but you are getting the Reader's Digest version of the meeting.)

As the child gets older, there can be woundings from either sexual abuse or peer rejection. I am a new mental health professional. I have learned recently that there are three levels of abuse: Emotional, Physical, and Sexual. The Gock, the co-author of this blog, was physically abused by his alcoholic father (See Jan 26, 2006 posting of "the boy in the corner"....it will break your heart what he endured). Finally, sexual abuse is, by far, the most damaging. I was sexually abused at age 15 by my mother's alcoholic, bi boyfriend. It left me confused, embarassed, and ashamed. In other words, the damage done by sexual abuse, by far, outweighs emotional abuse or physical abuse.

I thought it has some validity. I'm not saying that I totally agree with everything and we all know that this scenario won't fit everyone's situation, but I could see where it may apply to some who struggle with gay issues.

This is a difficult subject to try to flesh out. Bear in mind, you, the reader, might think that I am grasping at straws, and just need to come out and be done with it. Maybe so.....but for now, I am at least trying. I attend a support group that is non-judgmental. There are married and single men and women who struggle with these issues. At least I am directly addressing the issue at hand. Again, this is my journey. I am not saying I have arrived or am "cured"....I am not. Honestly, maybe I am just buying time.....God knows the motivation of my heart better than I do.

Borrowing a phrase from my AA friends..."One day at a time". There was a lyric to a Christian group, "First Call" in the early 90's that read: "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future". I believe that to be true whichever pathway I choose to follow.

To Anonymous/Damaged Vows: Recognize that I am going through a VERY difficult time in my life right now. I have just lost a close friend in DCG, and my marriage is currently rocky. If I have personally done harm to you in anyway, I apologize. I emplore you to examine your own relationship in light of TRUTH. I am not saying this to be judgmental....I have screwed up two friendships by my hurtful remarks and clingy behaviors. It doesn't make it right...it just is.

Thanks for letting me share....your comments are more than welcome.

Restored Vows

My Journey, part 1

Last night, I attended my first meeting with the gay-related Christian ministry. I had an intake with one of the co-pastor's known as B. B has an interesting story.

B was/is gay. In fact he had a partner for seven years. He is now married and in his late 30's. He has 2.5 kids (his wife is currently pregnant). Being from an analytically and skeptical frame of mind, I asked the hard questions. B said that the goal was not to make "gay people straight" but to assist those who struggle with a safe place to vent their frustrations and needs. He was honest enough to tell me that the "success" rate was about 33% -- so in other words the stats are stacked against me already!! This intake was not for individual counseling, but it was to see the appropiateness of attending a support group that was held last night. B asked me what I wanted to get out of the group, and I told him that I really didn't know. I wanted to know if someone could actually change their orientation (I don't think you can) or are they just using behavior modification (B-Mod for you psych type folks!) to change their outward behaviors. I told him that if I came across a similar guy, that was married as I am, and is still struggling/cheating on the side, with no apparent "victory" that I might as well get the process rolling on moving out and seeing a lawyer. The session ended with a quick prayer, and a trip across the street to the church.

I had to check in via a laptop computer. There was a mixture of both young men and women hanging out in the foyer section. I eventually went into the what looked like the choir rehersal area, waiting for the service to start. Some of the people started to file in. I have recognized some of them from their pictures on the popular website that I chat on. I was just hoping and praying that I didn't run into anyone that I have chatted with....or God-forbid...that I have slept with. That would be mega uncomfortable.

I sat behind this 20-something blond guy who sat next to some girl about his age. This guy was cute.....can you say that in a church setting that is supposed to be focusing on God and restoration?? Anyway...I digress....

The meeting started off with singing and a praise/worship time. Then B lead a small devotional time about the names of God. "Jehovah Jireh" -- our provider. He also spoke about the story of Abraham and Isaac and the sacrifice on the altar. He discussed how Abraham was about to sacrifice his own son on the altar. He talked about how Abraham 1) got up, 2) cut the wood that would potentially burn/cremate his only son, 3) and traveled to an area that God had told him to go to. (Gen 22). The point being it takes obedience to follow God, even when the outcome is not exactly clear. Abraham had no idea that God would provide the lamb when he cut the wood and prepared Isaac to be sacrificed. Ok....so I learned a good Bible lesson. How does that affect my struggle with being gay?

After the Bible lesson, we broke up into seperate groups. Men vs Women. Then the men were further divided into 26 and under (Bye-Bye cute blond guy) and over 26. They talked about a recent softball tourney they had and how some felt for the first time feeling adequate because they were in a group that was not going to be ridiculed for not being a "jock" or throwing the ball like a "girl". Next week they were going to have a basketball game. Ok....that part will be kind of cool.

Then we broke down into smaller group to share and have some accountability for our week. There was a couple of gay married guys that was there that shared. One guy is doing "better" without hooking up. The other guy was hanging on by a thin thread, as he has had weekly hookups and I saw the pain in his eyes. His wife has no clue about his true self....because he keeps this part of his life a secret. He is going here because he told her that he "struggles".....

Of course, the other group a few feet away was also sharing. There was this guy that was there, probably early to mid 30's (I could never be one of those people at the state fair that guesses your age....I'd be giving away all of the stuffed Sponge Bob dolls with a wrong guess!!!) Anyway....it sounded like he is in a similar situation as myself. It sounded like his wife wants some "answers" and he talked about the possibility of moving out of his house soon. Trust me, I will be talking to him next week.

The meeting got over about 10:15pm. I headed home and stopped by for some quick fast food on the way home. My wife and family were already in bed. Of course, I had the opportunity to get online and I did to my favorite website to chat with the other gay/bi guys. I got IM'd by a bi-married guy who lives in another suburb. He liked my smile by my picture. He is 42, and has a grown son. He had to cut the chat short because his wife was up and stirring....my MO for the past few years. I logged off around 12:30pm or so and headed to bed in my son's room on the twin bed.

More next week.....stay tuned.
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Unrelated entertainment news: Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday. What a tragic end of an outwardly beautiful woman. I think she had alot of emotional damaged over the loss of her son Daniel last year.

It kind of put life into perspective: We only have one shot at life. I am not going to live life in complacency anymore. I am tired of the lies and the self loathing. If I come out gay, I will definitely be seeking out help in this process.

I text messaged DCG yesterday relaying the news about Anna Nicole. He replied with a short "I know". I know deep down that I have hurt him with my comments. The Proverbs state that the tongue has the ability to give life or death. How true that statement is.....we can lift someone up by our words or cut them down just by our words. We all remember the childhood saying that "sticks and stones can break our bones, but words will never hurt us"......that is a lie. We have been hurt by others words. Whether that is someone saying a slur as the controversy over the "F" word from the "Grey's Anatomy" fiasco......words can hurt. I have hurt not only my wife over the past few months but also the friend that I had in DCG.

"Life and Death is in the power of the tongue"......how true that is!!!!

RV

To Damaged Vows

This is a posting to Damaged Vows --

You claim to want honesty, but in reality you are a liar just as I am. The person that co-created this blog is very computer literate and knowledgeable. I had him trace the where the comments and traffic to this blog, and the final assessment is that you are not in Nebraska. In fact, you are in the same state that I am located in. I think I am smelling a rat....

Using elements of deduction and common logic, there are two possibilities to your identity: 1) You are in fact DCG as mentioned in the "What Hurts the Most" posting of last month. He vehemently denies that these comments are coming from him. He says he doesn't write like that. However, DCG is not a stupid individual by far...more on him later. 2) The comments are from someone that knows me or I have been intimate with (sexual hookup). Whoever it is has been giving me the Mohammed Ali "rope a dope", backing me into the corner as I get pounded blow by blow. While there is anonymity in blogging, people should be at least honest.

DCG and I had a HUGE blow out yesterday. I was upset with him as I am assuming (and we all know what happens when you assume!!) that he has been the anonymous comments poster. I sent him a text message venting my frustration and said some things that spewed with hateful venom. I threatened him to disclose things to JJ, and made a personal character attack about his weight. I have been backed into a corner, and just as a rabid bull dog, I lashed out in exteme anger. There is no justification or "pound of flesh" for what I did. I was so PISSED at what Damaged Vows had said, that I lashed out at DCG. This doesn't make it right...it just is.

TO Diet Coke Guy (he has now returned to his addiction to 2 44oz drinks from Sonic....feeding his aspartane addiction going against medical advice (AMA)):

Here are some unsolicited thoughts for you:

You don't like to be confronted. As your friend, I have confronted you as well as you have confronted me....whether this is through the many phone calls or sharing my life via this blog. But you know in your heart that you have not been true to JJ for several months. He deserves better as does my wife. Damaged Vows.....this applies to you and your lieing to your husband or whoever. Quite frankly, I don't really care what you think.

I have to confess that I have been obsessed over DCG. It is not healthy and I know it. We have a lot of commonalities, and a close friendship that I cannot continue with him or he with me because of both of our current relationships. It is not fair to both of our partners and we both know it. From my perspective, DCG has settled for complacentcy in his current relationship with JJ. Is that really a fulfilling relationship or just a "marriage of convenience"? DCG is right: I have a hard time differentiating between a friendship and mutual genuine feelings. I have made many mistakes in my friendship with DCG, and I don't really know now that they are recoverable or not. I have to get over him and as was previous mentioned by Damaged Vows to move on....I cannot depend on him for anything except a distant friendship in an emergency. I got too close....I got too attached....I got too hurt.

Tonight, I am going to see a professional counselor through my church at $60 a session. I will also have an appointment with an ex-gay ministry in the area on Thursday. They have a support group that will meet afterwards that I plan on attending. I have been to enough Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous (as a guess mind you!!!!) that I know that some people are able to able to overcome their addiction and others "fall off the wagon" and come crawling back to the meetings after a "relapse". I was a substance abuse counselor for one year. I know the interaction between a person's motivation to change affects their continued sobriety or not. I am in the early stages, but if I feel that I am playing games and not serious about wanting to change, then I will have to be honest with myself and my family.

Honesty.....that is what I am wanting from Damaged Vows, DCG, and ultimately myself.

DCG.....I know without a doubt that you will be monitoring this blog and you know it. I will be posting the outcomes of my journey over the next few weeks as time allows. You know how to get a hold of me but you won't. You are forcing me to make the decision to leave my family and to come out on my own, with out you being a distraction. You are taking yourself out of my decision for my own good. I cannot place you in the equation because there is no "us"....there never was. There was only a close friendship for a few months that met both of our emotional needs. There is a lyric by one of my favorite Christian metal groups Stryper: "Am I alive or am I living?" Yes, I am alive....but am I fulfilled? I want guarantees in life and there are none. Life is too short to be living in the mundane. This applies to you, Damaged Vows, and to myself. I have trashed and labeled JJ as a loser. That is not a fair assessment of the man. He supposedly loves you greatly. He deserves the same from you in return. If you have the same feelings for him, great. If not, take the advice of the Damaged Vows....and move on. But know this.....I found you and I could find someone else if I get divorced. Don't come crawling to me when he breaks your heart again. We both have to make some hard decisions down the road....and we need to do it seperately....without the distraction of one another's inputs. You have been my best friend for the past few months....and it pains me to let you go...but I have to....for both of our sake (and sanity!!!!) Thanks for being there. I just hope if I leave my wife for unchartered waters, that I find someone with the same qualities as yourself.

Finally, to Damaged Vows. Quit lieing to me or even yourself. Be bold enough to a least open the dialogue with your husband....if that is what you have. Stop the lieing and be honest with yourself. It is only in brutal honesty that the healing and the change can begin. Life is a journey.....and I have only just begun the second phase of my life.

My best to Damaged Vows, DCG, and even to JJ. God knows we all need a strong dose of honesty in our relationships!!!!

Restored Vows

"what hurts the most, pt 2"

It seems ironic that the previous posting that I used this song to clarify my thoughts and feelings for DCG, and did not have a second thought about my wife. That is a sad testament on my current marriage.

My wife, that I will call "Nin".....a nickname her family gave her back in her youth. We have been married currently for 14.5 years. I met Nin in 1991 when I saw her at a local A/G church. She was a very pretty young woman. Some people compared her to a young Amy Grant....with long brunette hair. She still looks good to this day when she fixes herself up.

When Nin and I met, she had just been through a horrific thing that happened in her life: she was raped. Subsequently, she became pregnant. One of her convictions is that abortion was not an option, so she carried the baby to full term and she gave it up to adoption via a large Christian ministry focusing on pregnant girls or women who have substance abuse problems. It had only been less than a year that she went through this when we met at church.

My dating experiences were very limited. Shyness, acne, and low self esteem kept me from dating. Through the coaxing of a friend, I asked her out. We dated for close to six months. Most of our dates were centered around the church and single's group activities. We did some other things like concerts and a waterpark, but the church was the center of our activities.

We got married in 1992. I was 28 and she was 24. While we did consummate our marriage on the wedding night, it did take some prompting. Our first son was born in 1994. I was the proudest father. I had a son. He was a very happy little boy...he didn't cry or fuss much. To this day he still has a good personality. Our second son was born in 1996. When he was 15 months old, he had to have heart surgery to repair his aorta. I was very stressed and worried that my son was going to die. I wanted both of my children. I cut the ambilical cord on both of them and was in the delivery room when both of them were born. My oldest son didn't start speaking until 3 1/4 years old due to chronic ear infections. As a father, the only words I wanted to hear was that "Daddy, I love you"....that didn't happen until he got drainage tubes put in his ears. He is now a very talkative 12 year old.

Nin is a very good mother. However, she is a little high strung and gets stressed out too easily. Our marriage started going down hill when I was in the military. In 1997, I was able to change jobs in the military and became a mental health paraprofessional. Nin said that was when our marriage changed....I tend to disagree.

Historically, I am a very laid back and mellow person. I get that from my father who lives in Iowa. I don't get upset very often or mad. It takes alot to provoke me. However, I can be very stubborn at times.

I told Nin on New Years that I thought our marriage was a huge mistake. I take that back now: it produced two very special children that I will have to leave if I leave my wife for the unknown waters of the gay world. I write this with a lump in my throat....I love my kids...it is just my wife I am not too thrilled about right now.

"What hurts the most was being so close...." Nin and I were close. We have our moments...even now after my revelation.

She will probably be the only woman that I will ever love. She is a remarkable woman with the resilience that few could fathom. Not many woman would have done what she did and came out stronger for it. This is probably why it is so hard to put her through the pain of a divorce.

Restored Vows or just Moving On.....

"Vanity, vanity, ...all is vanity".....The Proverbs

God help me!!!!!!!!

RV