Just for today....

I really don't know if my posting are making any sense or just "psycho-babble" as another blogger put it. Regardless, this is me....

As I write this, I am supposed be hooking up with another bi guy from out of state. We have been chatting on gay.com (yes, I still have an account there....a paid one no less...but I didn't pay for it....that's a whole other story!) I did not hook-up today because 1) I really wasn't attracted to this man, 2) I probably prefer intimacy to the sex. I know deep down that I am supposed to get this intimacy from my wife, but our love life (not just sex but love too) has grown cold and I really don't know how to correct it. I am not "Mr. Romantic" and it sometimes seem that we are living under the same roof raising two great kids. My chats are my outlet of my frustrations. There are some people on there that are great guys, and others are just looking to get off. I am tired of the lack of male companionship/friendship.

I had thought that Gock, the co-author of this blog, was pissed at me. In his comments, he was frustrated over my lack of commitment to my wife and my marriage vows. He is correct...in part. I am not proud that I have and continue to commit the "sin" of adultery with another man. I'm calling it what it is.......Brokeback Mountain or not....it is still morally wrong....and I know it.This is probably why I prefer bi-married guys, and if they are Christian (or backslidden Christian) that is an even bigger plus. At least we are in the same boat.......that is slowly sinking in the mire of my own sin.

When I say "sin", some readers are automatically put on the defensive. They dismiss my views as some fanatical "Jesus Freak" and lump me in the same category as the people who boycotted Matthew Sheppard's funeral or bomb abortion clinics. This is an unfair judgment. When I started in grad school for social work, one of the key concepts was "self-determinism". In other words, you determine what you, the client/patient want to work on from your point of view. So if a person views same-sex activity as morally wrong for them, the I, the social worker/counselor have to work from that starting point. I was trained in diversity and tolerance. I sat in classes with a person who had a sex change operation (Born a man, sex change to a woman, now living with a woman in a lesbian relationship....try to figure that one out?) or the early 50's y/o man who "presented" themselves as a woman when he cross-dressed. Sorry guys...."If the skirt don't fit, you must acquit!". My point here is that with the concept of self-determinism, I view sleeping with another man a form of adultery. I freely acknowledge this.....however, to totally be abstinant from guys in light of a half-dead marriage is not going to happen.......at least for now.

While I am in the minority there, I am amazed at how many married guys there are on gay.com, and their wives are totally clueless. I was once called "Judas" online because I was "cheating" on both my wife and my faith. Now that was a harsh label to place on someone. I probably would prefer to be "Peter" as while he did deny he knew Jesus, he was later restored to the faith. I know in my heart that I am backslidden. I just wish there was someone who would confront me with my actions and give me practical advice how to change my life. Yet, it seems that the masses give you a "High-5" for another sexual conquest like there are no reprocussions for your actions.

Last week, I cleaned house at work. I deleted the old Word docs of the guy mentioned in my "Honesty and Humility" posting. I saw him on gay.com on Easter night. I IM'd him, but in usual fashion was greeted with silence. I know deep down I screwed up. I can't change the past and I can't take back the things I've said. I just hope (and occasionally pray) that he will find it in his heart to forgive me. I deleted him from my contacts on gay.com and took him off of my Buddy list on Yahoo messenger. It hurt too much to try to re-establish a friendship when he was indifferent to start with. I felt used and left on the side of the road.....so much for the Good Samaritan parable. I've had to cut all communication because, quite frankly, he doesn't care. This was hard, VERY HARD, for me to comes to grips with. I have spent alot of energy caring for someone who was indifferent towards a friendship/relationship. As Ecclesiastes states that "there is a time for everything...." and I must move on with my life.

Well, I must get back to work. Hope everyone who reads these ramblings will have a good week. Your comments are always welcomed!

Honesty and humility......

I don't know how to start this blog entry....outside of the fact that I have disappointed/hurt two people over the last few months and this is an online confession.

First and foremost....to Gock....the co-author of this blog. We used to communicate via e-mail but that has ceased. I'm not sure if he is too busy with work, family, or just life itself. I believe the turning point is when I confessed to being involved with another married man that I see a few times a year. When we started this blog, I felt that I needed to have all the answers, and to have my life "on track"....meaning that I have repented of my "sins" and was back on the "straight and narrow". Well, that hasn't happened as of yet. I still need the support of someone that is further along this journey that I am. I still believe of the purpose behind this blog: Recommitment/restoration of our marriage vows.

I came across a website last week that haunts me:
http://www.marriedgay.org/
This website has alot of information in it and has hit home in quite a few areas. However, it does not address issues such as the impact on one's personal faith.

Secondly, I want to post an online apology to someone that I have betrayed their trust. You see, last summer I was involved with another married man. My preference is to find someone similar to myself: bisexual, married, kids, professional, and a Christian (albeit backslidden). We had been chatting for close to two years, and we finally met last year. Initially, he wanted a "closed loop" relationship. But I was scared and naive as I had not been in a relationship before this time. We met and had sex twice. For nearly six months, I sent him emails and the occasional voicemail. Honestly, I obsessed over this man. I wanted a close friendship/relationship but he moved on...he wasn't interested. In December, I found out that he had been "dating" (can you really date when you are married??) a man for the past three months prior. I was insane with jealousy and hurt. I wanted revenge...

Through our many chats, I knew a little more about him such as his wife's name, names of his kids, etc. Do you know that Google is a great but scarey tool? Well, I did my own little research on him via the 'net. I found that he was a small group Bible study leader at his home and also found out his wife's email address at work with an empty threat to "out" him unless he stepped up to the plate as a "friend". I write this out publicly as I am not proud of this fact. I was a borderline stalker. That is not a good thing! Well, before you dismiss me as a nutcase/psycho, I do have some morality left in my life. Being a product of divorce myself, I was not going to be the catalyst for his "outing". I respected his wife and kids to not put them through the hell that I had been through as a young teen.

Our last chat was in January. He has since blocked my email from his Yahoo account and placed his Yahoo IM on "stealth setting" so I can't see when he is online. I probably deserve his indifference as I know I betrayed his trust and mutual respect. However, to be fair to myself, I did not do anything with his information outside of a little research. I wanted a friend....someone that I could trust and that was in the same boat that I was.

During this time, I also had to have a hard look at myself. I turned 42 earlier this year, and felt that I was going through a "mid-life crisis". Don't worry, I did not buy the sports car or the 20-year old babe (or dude), but it did happen. As a mental health/substance abuse counselor, I also am trained in personality disorders. I scored High on the "dependent personality disorder", where I could probably diagnose this man with a "narcissistic personality disorder". It would probably be an accurate disgnosis for both parties.

One of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs is Social Needs -- to love and to be loved. At the time, I felt that I fell in "love" with the man, but probably what I really wanted was a close friend, someone that understood me for me. Honestly, I think I chose counseling because I wanted to fix my own issues.

Another reason that I was so upset with him is when I found out that he, if fact, was a small group leader at his church. His friend encouraged him to compartmentalize his life: family, religion, bi/gay lifestyle, etc. My thoughts on this is from a theological perspective that God is both Omniscient and Omnipresent--He knows all and sees all. We are only kidding ourselves if we feel that we are hiding from God. Isn't that what Adam did in the Garden of Eden?

Today, I have basically ruined a friendship. However, I wonder if he was more of an acquaintance than a friend. I still care about him, but am tired of trying to grovel to be forgiven. That is a choice he will have to make...or not. We all have free will and choices to make.

Thanks for letting me vent....Sorry Gock....Hope you are doing well.